Ego? Not Today

I wrote this post Thursday (November 7th) evening, I’m happy to report that my ego got the point and left. However, I’m still giving myself some extra TLC.

This morning’s meditative thought:

“When we are fully present to our experience of the moment free from the mind’s evaluation of good or bad, without imposing our ego into the way we think things ought to be, it is easier to let go, to laugh at the false illusion of control. Then we find that in our prayer work what we are affirming for ourselves is an awakened state of consciousness that looks directly at reality, which includes all needs met. Praying for that which is merely material and therefore temporary-name, fame, credentials, status-becomes the stuff of spiritual childhood. ”

Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith

This spoke volumes to me today, especially “…without imposing our ego into the way we think things ought to be…

This morning for some reason, I woke up extremely critical of myself. Primarily of my body. The way it looked, my weight, my hips, I think you get my point.

It’s been a while since I felt this way, so it felt odd, out of place. But I couldn’t shake it off.

I went for my walk, I caught a glimpse of myself via a Grey Charger in the parking lot. “Whoa! My hips and legs are H-U-G-E!”

I tried to shake it off. Let’s listen to some Democracy Now! Amy make me forget my hip-size with the craziness that is happening in the world.

Damn, here I am again. The Charger (the poor car has no idea what’s going on, but its mere existence has made it my nemesis) is a few feet away, there’s a skinny chick walking in front of me. I try to speed up, I want to see her reflection, maybe it was just the car. Maybe, just maybe, I’m not that big.

Damn, I was not able to see her reflection. But I sure as hell saw mine. HUGE!

Why? I don’t get it? How is my reality and what I see in that Grey Charger’s reflection so different?

But…wait, haven’t I said that my happiness is not based on a number on a scale? Am I a hypocrite? Why am I doing this meal plan if I’m not losing weight?

Wait, a second… wait a second…wtf?

Why are you treating yourself this way Monica? What’s up with the abuse?

“…Then we find that in our prayer work what we are affirming for ourselves is an awakened state of consciousness that looks directly at reality…”

I remember my affirmation “ I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.” I’m not trying to be skinny, I’m trying to be healthy. I’m trying to be as healthy as possible for myself and in the long run, my kid. That’s why I’m doing the FOK (Forks Over Knives) meal plan. Trying to eat healthy, so I can be healthy. Not skinny. For the record, nothing with skinny, it’s just not me.

“…without imposing our ego into the way we think things ought to be…”

Who said skinny = healthy? Who said skinny = beautiful? Who said big = ugly? I mean haven’t you seen Lizzo? BEATI-FUL! What’s wrong with big hips, anyways?

Why do I feel this way? What brought this on? I sit with it during meditation. I meditate with my Rose quartz, I need me some extra “love” during today’s meditation. But before I did, I read today’s meditative thought, and it hit it on the nose: My ego was out to get me.

That dick!

“When we are fully present to our experience of the moment free from the mind’s evaluation of good or bad, without imposing our ego into the way we think things ought to be, it is easier to let go, to laugh at the false illusion of control.”

I’ve been deep in practice. I’ve been doing the work. I’ve been un-learning the ways of the ego. I’ve been re-learning to trust my REAL self, to trust and tap in to that higher vibration that lies within. All that to say, the ego is feeling neglected.

It has tried to get me to worry about my finances and employment, but it didn’t work. “I let go of fear, lack, and worry and I step in the knowing that with God all things are possible.” These words were louder and the conviction was stronger than the fear my ego tried to introduce.  

I lost a friendship recently, no reason given, no last words, no big fight, just silence. My ego tried to keep me up at night, tried to make me sad, angry and guilty about it. “I let go of anger, fear, guilt, and worry and I step in the knowing that with God all things are possible.” These words quieted my mind. These words made me realize that the Universe removes things and people that are no longer going to have a part in the next phase of your life. Bless them and thank them for the role that they played in your life. Wish them well. Move on.

Poor ego, it’s 0-2.

But ego is not dumb, it went straight for the kill by attacking the one part that has hurt me hard in the past. Obviously, I still struggle with it today. Even with all my work, my body image still gets to me. My weight is still a trigger.

“I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.” I remember this, I take deep breaths, and I realize this is just ego trying to take me down a rabbit hole.

Another deep breath.

“I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.”

“ I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.”

“ I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.”

 Another deep breath.

I smile.

I’ve come along way. I didn’t just throw my arms in the air and just give in to the hurt and the darkness that comes with negative self-talk on days like this. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I’m good.

“ I am a point where health and beauty are fully revealed.”

Not today ego, you almost got me,

But not today.

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