Have you ever wondered? Like have you ever sat there and wondered if whatever you really had or felt in the past was in fact, love? The above lines got me thinking, wondering, and envisioning. I sat in bed and decided that instead of contemplating my past, I would focus on what I wanted my Love Story to be.
“ Our Intention Creates OUR Reality” -Dr. Wayne Dyer
It might not have rhyme but it does have reason. Enjoy!
This morning for some reason, I woke up extremely critical of myself. Primarily of my body. The way it looked, my weight, my hips, I think you get my point.
It’s been a while since I felt this way, so it felt odd, out of place. But I couldn’t shake it off.
Fear is good, Fear helps people fight!
I don’t normally do this, I typically use my blog for political and social issues, but I realized that this is…well, my space and I can write about anything. It also helps that the banner says “The world as I see it” So, let’s do this…
With a single click the longest relationship I’ve had in my 32 years of life ended:
“I’m sure you are not surprised?”
The truth was that I wasn’t, it actually lasted a lot longer than I expected.
“Click!” I put the phone down and I just sat in total silence, it seemed for hours, but in reality it was probably less than two minutes. My mind was going crazy: “Why?” “Why now?” “Wow, should I be this calm after losing my job?” “Do I qualify for unemployment?”, “Should I really feel this relieved?”, “Keep your cool, wait, why are you so cool?”, “I have to get back to Berkeley and come up with a plan”, “Wow, I wonder how long it will take for me to get a new job?”, “Okay Universe…I’m sure there is a lesson here somewhere…help me see it?”
The thoughts and questions were coming faster than I could answer them. I knew this was a good thing, some way, in some odd and mysterious way, I knew (know) that something amazing is going to come out of this. I had been unhappy for a while, I was and still am grateful for the flexibility they offered when it came to my education. That in itself was pretty awesome, and in some way is the reason why I stayed probably a lot longer than I should have. But I would have to think that this notion is reciprocal, we both needed each other. Which can be a good thing at times, if both parties are getting their needs met, but sometimes those needs change and the prior arrangement no longer works. This is what happened in my case and I have made my peace with it, I do not hold a grudge towards my previous employers. Although…kidding, I really don’t.
This on its own is solid proof, that I was in dire need of a change. Since, I am a bit let’s say hardheaded, the Universe had to bring about that change in a “in-your face- kind-of-way” Typical. Some (Ouch! The Universe just elbowed me), okay…all of my major breakthroughs or rebirths have taken place in this manner. From something that at that very moment seems so dark and bleak, great lessons or great life changes take place. My move to El Salvador-I discovered my true identity and created a bond with my grandmother that will transcend through time. My first heartache-helped me realize that love is not suppose to hurt, love is not conditional, and well that I deserve nothing but the best. My 2005 health scare- I didn’t see or hear the signs, I was mistreating my body. I needed to take care of my body and respect it for the temple that it is. My life itself, the fact that I went back to school at 27. I was scared, but at this point I knew what I wanted, I knew who I was, and I knew what my passion was. I had lived my youth (early twenties) to the fullest, created some amazing memories that well…you’ll just have to wait and read my memoirs to hear about them.
I was okay…for a while. Until late this week, when I realized that my financial aid and school loans were tapped out. I wasn’t getting any extra income, rent, bills, textbooks, ‘what was I going to do?’ I woke up yesterday morning, still in a panic, I kept wondering and asking why in the world was this happening NOW? I’m so close to the finish line and I’m running out of steam! I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see what was ahead, I was stuck. My fear got the best of me and it was not allowing me to see the blessing in front of me. I knew this, I’ve dealt with this before, I read about this, I MEDITATE! I shouldn’t be freaking out, right? Not very Zen of me. Well, I was and it wasn’t pretty. My eyes were burning from the crying, my brain was hurting from the worrying, and my body was just trying to keep up. Wow, FEAR really had me in a tight grip.
“Fear is good, Fear helps people fight!”
I kept hearing this echo in my head. It was a line from a movie I had seen the night before that had really made an impression on me. These words were said by Colin Farrell as he took on the role of Alexander The Great, one of the greatest military leaders in human history. Can Fear really be good for me? I really didn’t want to hear the answer to this question, I wasn’t ready. It didn’t feel good at that moment, couldn’t the Universe just give me a raincheck this one time? I smirk. Of course not, nothing has ever really been easy for me, but this is what makes me cherish all that I have lived and accomplished.
Then I couldn’t help but recall the freak-out I had two years ago, the day after orientation. I was freaking out because I realized that I didn’t have housing yet, I wasn’t going to have a job (I had turned in my resignation), and I was starting to have doubts. Could I, a 30 year old transfer student from East Los Angeles college, with a GED keep up with these kids at UC Berkeley? There was so much pressure at the orientation, of how we were the best and that’s why we got in. Needless to say the added pressure of knowing all that I was leaving behind to follow this dream. Would I succeed? Could I succeed? What if I didn’t…blah…blah…as I am sitting there on the restroom floor of my beautiful Holiday Inn room, with nothing left to throw-up, I can’t help but pray. As soon as I did a calmness came over me. There was a lot going on at that time…I was heartbroken, I was worried about my mother, I was scared of moving somewhere without knowing anyone, and feeling guilty for leaving my mother, etc. Dealing with the school stuff was just the tip of the iceberg and it was a way to hide from everything else, I had not given myself an opportunity to truly connect to or digest how I felt about the other issues. I honestly had not allowed myself to FEEL. I was preoccupied with dealing with the issues and coming up with solutions, some weren’t even my issues but I took those up too! Anything to keep me from feeling. While, I continued to sit on that restroom floor, I allowed myself to cry and cry I did. For the first time in three months, I allowed myself to feel. Wow, it was liberating! Two years after, as I sit here I can still feel this feeling of liberation…it brought me back to life.
After I had no more tears left in me, I got up, looked at myself in the restroom mirror and I assured myself that if the people in admissions thought I belonged in Berkeley, well then I did. I told myself (my reflection) that I had to do this for me, I had to stop living for others and I had to stop making their decisions. I reassured myself that I would find work, I’ve worked in everything from retail to corporate-one of the benefits of being old-ER (that that Berkeley kids!) . After a few more prayers and mantras, I jumped in the shower. My tears washed my soul and now my body needed cleansing. As soon as I got out, I set up my work station (good thing most hotels have desks) and started searching for apartments and making calls. Setting up appointments for later that afternoon and early Saturday morning before I drove back to Los Angeles. Let’s just say that by the end of the day, I had found me a place to live (I cancelled all of my Saturday appointments), and I was in my hotel room celebrating with a Little Cesar’s cheese pizza and a six pack of Fat-Tire. Within a few days of arriving in LA, actually two days before my last day, I was asked by my company if I would consider staying on board and working from home. Sigh, of relief!
At this moment I realized that my freak out, other than getting me to the restroom floor of a hotel room, got me nowhere. Letting go and letting God…well, that was the game changer. Additionally, allowing myself to feel was a big release as well. I don’t know why it is so ingrained in us that we are not suppose to feel. Feelings are part of being human, it reminds you that you are alive, and yes Alexander was right, even Fear helps you pull through. Of course, as long as you don’t allow it to control and paralyze you. Acknowledge what your feeling, honor it, and address it. The answer always comes from within, we are divine creatures; thus, we must believe that we are divinely inspired from time to time.
Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because I find it a bit ironic that I went through this type of ‘freak-out’ before my first semester and I went through it again before my last semester. You would think one would learn…luckily, this time it didn’t involve me hugging a toilet. There were tears, questions, and fear made a quick appearance. Again, I had not really digested what had happened, I went straight into “I will not freak out this time” mode, which if any of you know about the Law of Attraction, know how bad this is. This time though, I did something I hadn’t done before. I reached out. I reached out to friends and family, I let them know what was going on, what I needed, and how I was feeling. I got some good feedback and proof that some people are just amazing. I was starting to feel better, I went out for a walk, as I walked Kirk Franklin’s song “I smile” came up on my IPOD and well…made me smile. I was starting to return to my center, but I needed more, watched “The Secret”-felt better but not 100%. I worked on my Gratitude list and I was starting to feel a bit lighter, I worked on my visioning and that was it! I couldn’t stop writing and I couldn’t help smiling, what an amazing life! A lot to be grateful for and I a lot to look forward to. I can’t wait…it will all fall into place. I’ve been accused of not giving myself enough credit, and I’m starting to think they are right. I can do this, whatever comes my way…I’ve done it before, the actors and the environment have changed, but the game is still the same.
For those of you that think I’m crazy because I practice visioning, I leave you with this:
“Imagination is everything, it is the preview of life’s coming attractions”