Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 41: Look up and Read the Signs.

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by monilazo in Current Events, Under the Berkeley Skies

Tags

Berkeley, dancy party, depression, feelings, friend support, friends, love, prevention, robin williams, robin williams suicide, self-care, self-love, suicide, suicide prevention

Hello my dears! I know it’s been a while, but life happens and I needed some time to live it. But here I am: alive, exhausted, excited, and a bit saddened by the recent news. In case you live under a rock or were nowhere near some form of technology today, the great comic Robin Williams passed away today in what seems like a suicide. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around this, it just seems unreal.

July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014

Any suicide, whether of a famous person or a “normal” person like you and I, is extremely heart wrenching. During my life at CAL, midterms and finals were known as suicide watch. We would get emails from the counselors on campus letting us know of their existence and of their extended hours during these periods. We even had RRR week (Reading, Review, and Recitation), before Finals week. Here’s the Office of the Registrar’s official definition for RRR week:

“Reading, Review, and Recitation (RRR) Week is the week following the end of formal class instruction and preceding the tart of final exams and is intended for students to have free time to prepare for exams, to work on final papers and projects, and to participate in optional review sessions and meetings with instructors. RRR week is baed on the pedagogical principle that students benefit from the time devoted to synthesizing the course material learned over the course of the semester.”

We the students new this as: time to catch-up on reading, finish assignments, review, review, review. It was a godsend, as it alleviated some of the stress; nonetheless, it was still rough. During RRR week and finals week, I would sometimes only run on 20 mins of sleep a day, or a combined 10 hours of sleep between the two weeks. It was hell, but RRR week helped. However, even with this extra week and extended hours for the counselor’s on campus, there was always a suicide. I don’t recall many during midterms, but in the 2.5 years I was at CAL there was always a suicide during finals. Kids throwing themselves out of dorm windows, overdosing, or finding some other way to alleviate the pain. It was sad. What was worse, is that the mourning of the student was felt by many (he/she was one of us), but only for a short term of time. Unless we directly knew the person, we would discuss it and state how horrible it was, but then go back to our studies.

I know. Horrible. We didn’t mean to be this way, but we too were going through our own level of pressure.

The one thing that always goes through my mind when I hear of a suicide is “Damn. It was that bad? What could be this bad to make her/him believe this was the only way they could alleviate the pain?” Situations like these take me back, to when I too thought that would be the only way to make the pain go away. Yes, I’ve had thoughts and considered it the best and only solution for everyone. I thought about it at early age, was ready to do it, but something pulled me back. I had to go to therapy for a while after that, it helped. As a teen, went through it again, I was tired, I couldn’t handle the pressure of people wanting me to be someone else. The pressure of not being good enough for my sisters (who at the time were my legal guardians), of not fitting in, of just being sad. Again, something pulled me back.

However, this action was followed by another that lead me to the doctor’s visit with alcohol poisoning. I remember gagging because of how horrible the alcohol tasted; however, I knew if I drank enough of it I would forget, or if I’m lucky I might feel good. Nope. Worst feeling ever. Worse sensation ever. Worse pain ever. Most embarrassing and traumatizing experience ever. After this I was taken to therapy again, this time it helped, I was finally diagnosed. Luckily this time around, I didn’t have to get on meds, I just needed to be back with my family in the US.

However, 4-5 years later I was put on medication. Many people around me didn’t know I was on medication, they didn’t know that my doctor kept changing the dosage on me because I couldn’t sleep and nothing was working. The cure this time around, quitting my job. After two years of little to no sleep, the night I turned in my two weeks notice I slept like a baby. I immediately got off of my medications.

After that I realized that working out helped a lot, but I mean a lot. It kept me from going “dark”. That was my “I”m never going on meds” cure-working out. I promised myself I would never take medication ever-again. I was so committed to this promise that even 3 years after this, when I had a very bad health scare and was slowly falling back into depression I fought my doctors on it. I remember they kept saying: “This is a lot for you right now, we just want to make sure you don’t harm yourself” my response through the sobbing “I’m not going to kill myself, that’s the last thing on my mind, I want you to find out what the hell is wrong with me because I want to live.” I was in the doctor’s office every week, sometimes twice a week, depending on how bad my physical symptoms got and each time they would try to give me those damn pills. Every time, I would fight with them and I would win.

My mother suffers from depression, towards the end of her life my grandmother did too. So, it’s no surprise that I suffer from it too. However, I have learned to be in tune with my body and mind. I can tell when the haze wants to try to roll in, this usually happens when I’m under stress, not exercising and not eating healthy. Thus, I go out for a run and stop eating junk. This usually helps, in those occasions when it doesn’t. I allow myself a “mental health day”, I don’t go to work or school, or anywhere. I just sit at home, relax, and do some soul searching. This usually involves, prayer, meditation, or sometimes a movie that will guarantee to make me cry. Sometimes all I need is a good cry. The next morning after my “mental health day” I typically feel better, refreshed and ready to make the changes necessary as to avoid going through that again.

I’ve had a few little meltdowns, but nothing that would ever make me want to hurt myself again, or nothing that couldn’t be handled by a run, chocolate, or a good old dance party with a friend (think Meredith and Christina). Yes, real people do that, it helps honey!

I know some people close to me, are finding out about this for the very first time. Others might think I’m completely nuts for posting something like this, but why? We all go through it in some shape or form. We need to stop making it so taboo, when we lift the negative connotation from it I strongly believe more people will be getting help. As it is, I read an article where it states that more people are seeking help, some use life coach’s, wellness coaches, psychologist, or even spiritual guidance through a practitioner. Whatever helps right? But this increase is stil a lot lower than the extremely high number of suicides per year, approximately 30,000 a year.

However, I think with Robin Williams, the case was different. He was a comedian, so everyone expected him to be happy, everyone expected him to be “on” if you must. I’m no professional, but as someone that has battled with depression, I believe this is what made it harder for him to try to seek help. How is it that the one that makes us happy, is unhappy? No way. That is just not possible; unfortunately, it happens a lot. When people tend to be the happy one, the strong one, the dependable one, it’s a lot harder to ask for help. We have titles to live up to, we can’t show signs of weakness.

This my friends is when I say to you: you need to learn to read those signs of weakness. All over social media, everyone is posting how sad they are about Williams’ death, how depression sucks, and how “hey if you feel sad, down, or alone, call me I’m here for you!” Ummmmm, I’m no Einstein but I think you might be missing the point. I know that the good intention is there and these folks might actually mean it; however, it’s not that simple. When someone is feeling depressed, alone or sad, they don’t always feel comfortable reaching out. In some cases they might not even know how, in others they just don’t see the point. This is were we, the friends, the support system, need to start paying attention. You might need to be the one to approach that person, its a tough situation and uncomfortable for both parties, but so damn worth it.

A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal himself or herself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” – David Whyte

So; although, I believe all of you out there posting “hey if you’re depressed text me, call me, or IM me” are sweethearts, I think you might be a bit gullible. We need to start looking up from our smartphones every once in a while to make sure those around us are okay. Stop texting, emailing, or posting on your friend’s wall, instead call or visit them, hang out with them.

Awww, the good old days when we use to have real direct conversations with people versus text conversations (btw, lol, smh, and whatever other shenanigan is out there), through our phone or computer screen.

Oh and start saying “I love you” more often, you have no idea how much clout those three little words carry. Don’t just assume people know you care, tell them you do. I for one say this to my friends and family members every chance I get, this way if I die tomorrow there will be no doubt in their hearts that they were loved by me.

Show more gratitude to one another, praise one another, uplift, care for one another and the simplest of them all: smile to one another.

Love you!

PS: Dear reader, please note that I’m in no way watering down the terrible illness that is depression. Not only am I well aware that what works for me may not work for someone else, I’m also aware that what works for me today may not work for me tomorrow.

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 40: Update

10 Tuesday Jun 2014

Tags

Berkeley, change, family, feelings, friends, heavy heart, love, sympathy

Good morning beautiful people,

This here is an early morning update, insight, and plea for the family that lost their beloved daughter Kiki this weekend. The family has decided to come out publicly and share their grief and some of the details of the accident, to help little Nick. The following campaign has been started by the family in the hopes of helping 8 year old Nickolas with his college education. As you can imagine that family will now have to deal with funeral and hospital bills; thus, saving is something that is out of the question. Furthermore, tapping in to your savings (if you had any) is something that they will have to do.

I understand that you might not know the family and or might have your own issues to deal with; however, as my grandmother use to always say “Hoy por ti manaña por mi” which translates to “today for you, tomorrow for me”. Which means, today someone needs your help, but tomorrow you might be the one in need. The amount doesn’t matter, just a little helps.

Remember the Universe has an amazing way of paying you back when you least expect it.

To find out more visit Caring for Nick:

Nick and his beloved momma Kiki

Posted by monilazo | Filed under Under the Berkeley Skies

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 40: Lost for words…

09 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by monilazo in Real talk, Under the Berkeley Skies

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Berkeley, bucket list, change, feelings, friends, grateful life, happiness, happy, life, love, Ross Gellar, Ross Gellar Hi, self-love, Winnie the Pooh

Hhhhhiiii, I have not been drinking any of the funny juice this evening, I’m just trying to sound like Ross Gellar from “Friends.”

Not sure what I’m talking about? Watch this really quick:

Because today is a Ross kind of day, for some reason or another this day dragged. I should have known it would have been a tough one from the 100 times I hit snooze this morning. I don’t know if it was the heat or just the “meh”. Not sure what “meh” is, it’s that nonchalant feeling you get about everything and anything, that “I’m conserving energy, so don’t expect me to think or move fast, and you best not make any sudden movements either” type of mood. Mixed in with “don’t ‘puck‘ with me”, dazzled with “I want to be anywhere but here” feeling. Sprinkled with “I want to take a nap for at least 5 or 6 hours” mode. You know what I mean right? For both or safety, I think you should just nod and say “yes!”

I refuse to think that Monday’s suck, there’s just no way a day of the week could suck that bad. Could it?

Let’s just say that for the first time in a long time, I was the first one out of the office. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, I didn’t say goodbye to anyone. I was out!

Okay, I’m sorry I will have to change the tone. This just all seems trivial.

I was going to try to do a weekend mashup, but I can’t stop thinking of the news I received. A daughter of a family friend, passed away this weekend in a horrible motorcycle accident, leaving behind a 6-year-old son and a husband who is in critical condition. Out of respect to the family and honestly because I just can’t play the image in my head again, I will not post how it all happened, for it was pretty gruesome.

I wasn’t close to this young mother, I knew her from family get-togethers. But I’m close with her Aunt, Mom, and little sister, which is what breaks my heart to think of the pain they might be going through. When I was contacted with the news of what happened, it just stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t believe it, my heart sunk, someone so young,I was utterly lost for words.

Since, I was informed of what happened, I have been thinking of how easy we are wiped out from this planet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of dying. But it just makes you question your notion of life. Are you living the life you intended for yourself? Are you happy? Do you have a happy life? If not, why? What’s stoping you from being truly happy? What goals have you achieved? Do you still have many more to go? What’s stoping you from achieving them? Do you have a bucket list? Why? Why not go out and do those listed items today, in the present, and not tomorrow? As my grandmother use to say: “Tomorrow is never promised, today is your gift, live it as such”

Do we live it as such though? Wasn’t I just complaining of how crappy this day was? I bet she (sorry out of respect to the family I don’t want to mention her name), would have wished to have a “crappy” day with her son.

Life. Ain’t it a hoot? You just never know how things are going to be or in what direction your next journey will take you. Will you live to be 50, 80, or 100? Only God knows, only the Universe knows what awaits you. I think our job is just to enjoy every second, minute, hour, day, year we have on this planet.

I use to be the type of person that saved items such as jewelry, perfumes, clothes, shoes, etc, only for special occasions. But a while ago, someone forwarded me an article written by a widow, whose wife had passed away from cancer. He was narrating how the hardest part of her passing was going through her items, all her “special occasion” items. He emphasized that every day he was with her was a special occasion, she was his special occasion, every day together was an occasion-to be happy. The moral of the story was that we should not wait for that “special occasion” or special event to come, we should make every day special. Simply because it is special, we get to see another day, spend time with our loved ones. We get to add another page to our story, if we are lucky enough it might be the start of a new chapter.

I’m not going to bullshit you and say that after reading the story I went hang-gliding, and climbed Mt. Everest. Nope, not even close. I did; however, make subtle changes. I do dress up, I wear my fancy perfumes, jewelry and even those special sexy undies we buy for our mate. This chick wants to be and feel sexy for herself.

I’m not going to lie there’s day’s I’m like Winnie the Pooh and other’s I’m like Eeyore, but lucky for me I snap out quick, if not I have a few Tigers in my circles that will.

What’s up with all the Winnie the Pooh references?

I’m not going to say something enlightening here folks, that’s just too much pressure and I’m pretty darn tired to come up with someone awe-inspiring. But I’ll leave you with this Moni-ism:

Don’t be stupid, don’t waste your time fighting, hating, or complaining about the crap you don’t have. Be grateful for the things you do have, be grateful for the blessing that is today because I don’t want to scare you or anything, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. So don’t let the last impression you leave on this earth be of acting a-fool

Not poetic enough? Fine, here’s a better one, by Earl Nightengale:

Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy NOW. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored

Love you beautiful people.

May she rest in peace, and may her husband get better so he may remind their son of the amazing mother he had.

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 36-38: Mashup!

03 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by monilazo in Under the Berkeley Skies

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Tags

Berkeley, change, courage, exploring, feelings, friends, Her voice of courage, Hugh Laurie, Hugh Laurie at the Fillmore, inspiration, Josh Reddick, love, Maya Angelou, Oakland A's, Pacific Links Fondation, PALS, Still I rise, true self, Yori Kochiyama, Yuri

Note: This post was meant for Monday night, May 2nd. Hello my dears, I know it’s been such a long time…not really but every now and then it’s nice to be a bit a dramatic. It’s been a week, but since you and I are deeply committed in this love affair, that week feels like forever-I know, I would miss me too. But here I am, since I missed so many days, this will be a Mashup…woohoo! We love those don’t we? However, this time around I’m going to just highlight a few things that stood out.

The Lake trip: We went to Del Valle Regional Park, it was awesome! The place was beautiful, I mean really beautiful. It ended up being a large group, we had quite a space full of Central Americans..oh and half a Mexican. Me, of course. Anyway there were Salvadorans, Hondurans (these were the majority), Guatemalans, and Nicaraguans. I didn’t meet all of them, just the immediate group that I was with-the Hondurans. They were incredibly welcoming and so eager to please, they couldn’t get over the fact that I was a vegetarian. It was killing them; especially, the older ladies. It’s a cultural thing, so when they finally saw me eat something other than fruit, they all celebrated and said “Al fin come!” (“you finally eat!”). This time I’m not exaggerating, they literally jumped up and started clapping. Like I said, it’s a cultural thing.

There was so much food and alcohol it was insane. I was good, I didn’t drink…well, okay toward the end of the afternoon I had a few drinks of an ice cold Bud Light. In my defense it was Bud Light, which is honestly just water; so, it shouldn’t be held against me.

The thing that caught me off guard was that none of the adults went into the lake, only the kids did. I went in there for a while, but after having all the kids think it was cool to splash water in my face, I walked out. The thing to do was apparently eat, drink, and just hang out. Ummm, yea that wasn’t happening. I was in the outdoors, we all know what happens when I’m in the outdoors: I want to run, hike, get dirty, explore all that mother nature has to offer. So I left on my own, I was going to do a boat tour of the lake. However, as I was making my way there I noticed that there was a trail ahead; so, off I went. It was beautiful, I have never hiked with flip flops before but there’s always a first time for everything. It’s apparently a 9.5 mile hike, I did about 3.5 or 4 miles. I was running out of water and I was worried that my ankle might not make it back in one piece, remember flip flops and no ankle brace.

As I made my way back, I noticed that a tour boat was about to take off. I ran over and asked what I had to do to get on, the guy sent me to buy a ticket and said he was going to hold the boat for me. Bought my ticket, which was only $5 by the way…not bad. I don’t remember our tour guys name, but he was cute and very friendly, I do remember Shasa though, she was a beautiful German Shepard that was getting socialized as part of her training to become an aquatic dog rescuer? Okay, don’t hold me to this title, but she was in training to become a life guard or um dog. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I will definitely be going back, it is only $6 and you get to stay there as long as you want, well eventually they’ll send your crotchety butt home. But before they do, you can go on a hike or bike ride, then go for a swim in the lake, rent a kayak, or peddle boat, or other type of boats. No food, don’t worry they sell some greasy burgers. Yay for you, not so much for me. I will definitely be going there again before the Summer is over.

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Somos Familia: Not sure if you all remember or if my crazy self even mentioned this, Somos Familia: “supports Latino families with children who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer (LGBTQ*) and conducts education to create family and community acceptance. The group was started by two mothers to support other families with similar experiences.” I have been asked to join their speakers bureau and share my story of growing up with a gay father figure. Why? Two reasons: 1) I’m not gay, I didn’t grow up to be gay as many people have the misconceptions that if you are raised by someone that identifies within the LGBTQ community you will be gay too. Oh no honey, that is not the case I love me my men! 2) To explain the importance of speaking about this as a family. I was never told my uncle was gay, I kind of just found out by walking in on him and his partner kissing. My mother thought I knew; thus, she didn’t feel the need to say anything. I was surprised, shocked, and freaked out. What did this mean? What did being gay mean? How would it affect me? Still to this day, my uncle has never talked to me about it.

I’ve also been asked to speak on creating a safe space: we have a loved one in our family whom we believe might be gay or bisexual. But we are not sure; honestly, it is not our place to even question. Consequently, we have decided as a family to let it be, and allow that individual to be or not be whatever they want to be. Either way it doesn’t matter, because there’s love there, and our love for this individual is not based on their sexuality. We don’t talk about it or ask them questions about their identity, we know who they are, their sexual preference bears no weight on the love and support we have for this individual. Moral of the story is, I met with the coordinator of the organization and I mentioned that I really wanted to start getting involved. I only did the training a while back but haven’t really had the opportunity to dive in. This Friday will be my big break, not sure what I’ll be doing though. I really just want to shadow someone, and see what happens. No two meetings are the same, as all workshops have different themes; moreover, this is no light topic, reactions might not always be positive. But in addition to this, I was also asked to help with the communications aspect of it. I agreed, but told them once school started my schedule might vary and I probably wouldn’t be able to help them as much. But I’m really looking forward to working with this group, one of the founders is a good friend of mine, I actually call her my Bay Area Momma.

Fillmore and House! Well many of you knew I had a second job, or what I called the “Fun Job”, well that my friends has come to an end. My time at the “fun job” or the Fillmore as the venue is called, ended as of last Thursday. I had to work Hugh Laurie’s show first though, I mean it’s F’n HOUSE ya’ll! Funny how my last night turned out to be a long one. But it was all worth it because before I left the building the Universe decided to put me, Hugh, and his sexy accent in the same space. He looked at me, smiled and said “Hi, how are you?” I holding everything I had inside of me not to ask him for a picture, replied with a polite “I’m good thank you!” We all know I secretly wanted to run up to him, hug him, and say: “House I love you, next to Yang and Meredith you are my favorite doctor! Now smile, you sexy-skinny Brit! Cheese!” But no, that’s all I got…wait, he did hold the door open for me. Hey that’s better than what happened when I met Burt Reynolds. I almost killed Burt, all I wanted was a picture with Hugh.

Fillmore May 2014: photos by Lori Glumac

It does sometimes!

Favorite MD’s along with House, of course!

However, what I’ve learned is that one never leaves the Fillmore. I’m working there next Sunday, some rapper guy’s show. I told them I could be on call for when they needed people, but I just can’t be on a schedule. School is starting shortly too, so I was going to quit anyway, I just did it now instead of August.

Summer Plans: I’ve decided that on my time off; hence, this is one of the reasons I left the Fillmore. I want to explore Northern California more, at least the Bay Area. I’ve been living here for four years come this August (primero Dios), and I still don’t know many areas of the Bay. Shit, I haven’t even been to Tilden and that’s close by apparently, so I’ve heard…I know, I suck.

I’m determined to get out there, I’ve already written down some spots and calendared some events. I want my summer to be about: exploring, loving, living, arts, creativity, earth, and soul. They may just be random words to you, but they are all connected for me. I want to dive in, breathe and experience it all and see what happens. You will bear witness to this, as I will of course chronicle every adventure and every crazy shenanigan I do. Maybe some of my readers might even recommend some must see places or experiences, or better yet you might even join me. Which would be awesome, as long as you are not a creeper, pervert, or nut job. Hey we are all special in our ways, but some are just a bit scarier than others. I’ll be posting a list of the places I will be attending in the next few days. I’m really excited about this. Last Summer found me broken hearted and shit it decided to make it a bit worse. It was one of the hardest summer’s of my life, but here I am a year later. Still standing and raising hell! So this year it’s all about fun and life, no tears, darkness or sadness…unless I’m crying due to laughing too hard or crying because we are all out of wine.

Maya Angelou: Unless you were living under a rock last week, we all know that our dear Maya passed away. I must say her passing, really affected me. It’s not as if I knew her, or ever met her. I knew her the same way many of you might have known her: through her work; which, is why I was really surprised by how strongly it affected me. I know, it might sound or be weird, but here’s the thing: when someone of Maya’s capacity passes you cannot help but be affected. Why? Because it puts your life in perspective, at least it did for me. It made me think about my life, am I really doing something to uplift humanity or am I just taking up space? Will I ever be as great as she was? Will I ever get to be the humanitarian that she was? It just makes you think about your place in this world, what is your mark in this world? What legacy will you leave behind?

Yuri was a proud and respected ally of the Black Panthers!

Needless, to say that I thought she was immortal. I never thought she aged; nonetheless, would ever pass. To my reprieve her words will in fact be immortal; however, that relief is minute compared to the great worry that is felt when one realizes that the great teachers and heroes/sheroes of our time are shuffling off the mortal portal. Speaking of which we lost Yuri Kochiyama on Sunday night, amazing political activist who fought strongly for social justice after her family was shipped off to an internment camp during WWII. She was the one that cradled Malcolm X’s head when he was shot and killed. She pushed for Asians to join the Black and Brown struggle, stating that at the end of the day we are one in the same in this racist society.

I share with you my favorite moment and poem of Maya Angelou, if you watch it you’ll know why:

#16 Reddick

Josh Reddick, yea my new crush. I’m not really an A’s fan, but I’m a Reddick fan. He showed up at Martin Luther King, Jr Park for a baseball field dedication. The Foundation in partnership with other organizations and corporations were able to work on the baseball field in Richmond. The kids loved it, he definitely made their Summer. He did a Q & A with the kids and even played with them. He didn’t; however, which is my only complaint about the guy did a photo-op. Some of the kids would have loved to have taken a picture with him. Shit, who am I kidding I would’ve gotten on that gravy train too, but it wasn’t boarding, he just left. Not cool guy, not cool. But the guy is cute, he’s 27…that’s not that much of an age difference, is he single I wonder? Is he into larger than life Latinas? Don’t worry folks I’m not a stalker, that requires too much energy and time; furthermore, gas is too expensive.

But Josh, if you happen to be reading this call me? Wait, the guy doesn’t have my number, okay email me or twitter, wait tweet, ugh, who am I kidding…moving on.

Her Voice of Courage: I went to this amazing benefit art show on Saturday night. Proceeds from “Her Voice of Courage” benefited Pacific Links Foundation (PALS)’s to honor the bravery of human trafficking survivors in Vietnam. Sounds powerful doesn’t it? It was my dears, it was. I cried, I laughed, meditated, breathed, sang, and danced. It made me take a deep long look within. I heard stories of survivors, and people shared intimate moments of their life that called for courage. It was amazing. It was intoxicating, invigorating, and at the same time, purifying.

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I will admit that as I sat there, for a brief moment I felt weak. I felt that I had in fact no courage, that I was fearful; therefore weak. But my dear and courageous friend Kathleen, quickly snapped me out. She reminded me of things I had taken on, things I had accomplished, and most importantly, things I had left behind. All of these things require some sense of courage, I had it, I was fearful but I still continued on. I realized that comparing my life to those whose stories I was so openly honoring, was not doing me justice and was in reality doing a disservice to all the lessons learned, tears shed, sacrifices made, and most of all to those moments of bliss that come when one has faced one’s fear. I realized that courage might not wear the same gown to every single occasion but it shows up when you need it the most and in the most astonishing of ways.

This event was a perfect tie in to all that has unraveled in the last week in my life. If you notice there’s a commonality in all of those “highlights”. They all involve self-reflection, and self-contemplation. Okay, maybe not the Reddick one, that’s just…well, the guy is yummy looking. Anyway in all seriousness, I did a lot of thinking about me last week. Where am I in life? Am I really happy, am I doing what really makes me happy? Am I surrounded by the right people, am I surrounded by people that make me happy? Am I surrounded by people that see the real me and accept me as I am, do I see the real them? Am I okay with what I see? Am I okay with what they might see? I have some answers, but for the ones I don’t, I know the Universe will get back to me. Some answers were easy to come by, other’s weren’t, some were even painful. But that’s just part of being human, as long as I don’t dwell on the bad too damn much I’m okay. Let’s see what unravels, I’m sure it will be an interesting ride.

Well, my dears I think I ranted enough…to think these are just highlights. Love you long time, and hasta mañana my dears. Don’t do nothing I wouldn’t do, but if you do let me know what you did. Sharing is caring!

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 34: Plans, Plans, and Pedicures!

23 Friday May 2014

Tags

Art, Baroque, Baroque Art, Berkeley, Costa Rica, Dublin, Europe, feelings, friends, Guinness, happy travels, London, love, Pantheon, Paris, Rome, travels

Hello sexy people, I must say I’m pretty darn tired today. Hope your day was better and for those that went out celebrating Thirsty Thursday, hope you had one for me! Still doing the no drinking thing. So far so good, best part, I haven’t had the need to hide any bodies. I think I’m going to be able to do this. Ha!

Today was a good day, I spoiled myself a little. I abide by the philosophy of “there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to something special every now and then,” so today was

Summer time!

now. It wasn’t planned but it somehow happened. When I went out on my run this afternoon, and as I looked on to the incline in front of me, I realized I had to make an important decision: Should I do laundry or get a pedicure after my run. I know, a hard one. But I did what any overworked woman would do: I got’s my toes did. I even went for a nice Summer color for both my toes and hands, which is something new to me. I usually just do the basics, red for hands or earth tones and tips for toes. But this time I I went crazy.

I had told myself I wasn’t going to get Gel anymore but it’s addicting. Okay, not really but when you have tiny hands you fall in love with anything that makes your hands look grown-up and feminine. Gel does do a number on my nails, but regular polish does not make it through the night. Weird I know but its me, I’ve come to expect weird.

Okay, why am I bringing up a mani and pedi outing? I mean I have before, but this time there’s a reason. It was amazing! No, let’s try that again A-mazing! I was totally blissed out when I left that place. Yes, blissed out! They did some major massaging on my legs and feet, after a run you know this felt like heaven; however, that’s not the best part. Ladies, you know when you get a manicure, they’ll do a hand massage and if you’re lucky their include your forearm? But this went beyond that. She did my entire arm, including my shoulders and neck area. Yes, I pretty much received a massage at the nail place. It felt so darn good, it made me realize that I’m long overdue for a full body massage. I will be adding that to my calendar very soon. If in the East Bay check out Versailles Nail Spa, highly recommended! Tell them I sent you, they’ll have no clue who I am but you’ll get the ball rolling on my celebrity status.

That mini massage was just what I needed, because I was about to go (lawd I cringe just to think about it) bathing suit shopping (enter doomsday music here). I was invited to the lake by a friend (I don’t know which one, it’s somewhere by Livermore- I think) with her family and a group of friends. At first I wasn’t sure about going, because I only know her and her son, and he’s 2 so he doesn’t really count. Not saying that in a bad way, but at 2 kids would rather hug a cactus than sit and hang out with an adult they’ve seen once or twice in their short life. But I decided I would go, it’s the long weekend why stay in?

Moving on, I decided I needed to get a new bathing suit. The one I had is extremely old and well pretty much falling apart. By old I mean, I bought it when I was still living in El Salvador. I was about 16 or 17. I know, I know, but unlike the movie I have a hard time letting go. I still can’t believe I took it with me to Costa Rica; furthermore, surprised nobody made fun of me. The intention was to buy one, but I took a look in the swimwear department and saw a bunch of two pieces and I kept it moving. Yup, that’s how I roll!

My old bathing suit, hanging tough in beautiful Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica.

This time I was prepared, I convinced or begged Theresa to go with me. I think I was so desperate that at one point in our text conversation I tried to bribe her with candy. I needed her there for moral support; particularly, I needed her there to help me pick one out. Like I said it had been over a decade the last one I bought was plain, a purple, one piece Speedo. But now as Theresa put it “I’m a grown up” for those of you that don’t understand this concept it pretty much means: I need something more “piña coladas at the pool bar” and less “floties and rubber duckies”. I am happy to say that after taking 9 pieces of swimwear to the fitting room, I am extremely happy with my final decision. It says “screw piña colada’s I’m a martini kind of girl” but since, I’m not the ‘sit and look pretty’ kind of girl, it will hold up nicely when I get in the water. Plus, it kindda goes with my rockabilly style.

These are one of the 2 shorts I own. Cascadas, El Salvador.

Oh and I also bought me some jean shorts. This is big too. I don’t really wear shorts, I wear dresses but for some reason I think my legs are not suitable for shorts. But with Theresa’s support I bought me a pair, they are shorter than bermuda which is usually what I wear (usually is an exaggeration because I really don’t wear them, I only have 2 anyway), but they didn’t look too terrible. I got my outfit for the lake. I totally forgot the tanning lotion but I’ll be looking flawless as a burn to a crisp.

So, in yesterday’s post I mentioned that I was discussing my travel plans. I think I’ve made you suffer long enough, I’ll go into more detail. However, at this point I don’t have much, it is still in the planning stages. Actually, those of you that have been following my blog since I began with UTBS know that I was thinking of going to Europe at the end of the year, well my dears “thinking about it” has now evolved to “definitely going.”

We will be heading out at the end of the year, after the end of our school semester. I will of course be traveling with my traveling buddy-Ms. Sandra. She and I have gone everywhere together: Road trip to Seattle and NYC for example. We travel well together, she knows I’m like a baby and have to eat every three hours and I get hissy if I don’t have my caffeine. I know she does not do mornings, so when we are up extremely early I have to limit my word count-in this case less is better. So far we are thinking of going to England, France, Italy, Spain, and maybe Ireland.

I know amazeballs, right? It cost a lot of money to get out there, so we are planning on making it worth it. We’ve agreed to make a list of the places we want to visit, then we will narrow it down to the must see places. So far this is my list:

England: London

Nicholas who?

Globe theater-I’m an English major (so is she, so she’s cool with this), I feel I will be doing my major a disservice if I don’t watch at least one Shakespeare play. Plus I love Shakespeare, I mean the guy was a total genius!
Art Museum- I love museums, they are a must see for whenever I travel.
Highclere Castle-what? this is the castle were they film one of my favorite shows “Downton Abbey”
I would love to do a Jane Austin tour, they have these. I’ve checked.
Liverpool-this is for sure making the list, Sandra’s a hardcore Beatles Fan. I’m okay with this I like them too, not as much as her, but it’s the F’n Beatles! Plus, I’m more than likely making her go to Graceland with me.

France: Paris

Eiffel Tower-definitely on the list.
James Morrison’s grave-I’m sure she will be okay with this, I made her go with me to check out Bruce Lee’s when we went to Seattle. You know we went to Hendricks’ too.
Paris Disney-definitely on the list. No secret I love Disneyland; thus, this is a must.
Art museum

Jimmy Hendricks

Bruce and Brandon Lee

Italy: not sure yet, it’s looking like Rome.

Museums, ohhhh this would be heaven…if I can’t get any other museum in any of the other countries, it is a MUST in Rome. This is the birthplace of Baroque art, which is my favorite type of art.
The Vatican-hey I was raised Catholic, I’m curious
The Domes: The Pantheon and St. Peter’s Basilica
It’s a must
Piazzale Garibaldi
Trevi Fountain
We must ride a Vespa. Not sure why but when I think of Rome, I think Vespa.

Spain: Not sure if we are going to Madrid or Barcelona.

Ireland: Dublin

Guinness Storehouse-this is a must!
Trinity College- that’s Oscar Wilde’s stomping ground.
St. Patrick’s Cathedral and Christ Church. If I only get one, I will choose St. Patricks. Jonathan Swift was chancellor here, plus this is where Handel’s “Messiah” was first performed in the late 1700’s. If that’s not enticing enough, the Knights of St. Patricks started here, f’n Knights! These were the nights that protected the church, not a King, but the Church, so you know they were ruthless (depends what history book you choose to believe). But knights just do it for me, just as Samurais.

Trevi Fountain, Rome

Pantheon, Rome

JIm Morrison’s Grave, Paris

Trinity College, Dublin

No explanation needed!

Again, these spots are the places I would love to visit. We are going for 2 or 3 weeks so we don’t have a lot of time and will most likely not see it all. But something is better than nothing, know what I’m sayin’?

I so can’t wait, delicious pastries, cheese’s and wine! We cannot forget the wine. We have come to one agreement: NO DIETS ON THIS TRIP! As I told her: “I will not eat meat, but I will eat wheat!” The lesser of two evils.

We are also planning a road trip to Vegas in August, not a road trip you say? It is when it will take you 10 freaking hours to get there instead of 3 or 4, which is how long it would take when we lived in LA. But I’m looking forward to it, making sure we take the scenic route, going through Yosemite Park, not Bakersfield. Sorry, for those of you that are from Bakersfield, but…you know…yea, I’m sorry you live in Bakersfield. I tried but nothing came-sorry.

Want to know the crazy thing? We are thinking of going to Japan in December of 2015. I tell you we like to travel. El Salvador is also on my radar for next year, so I might have more than one big trip.

Exciting! I can’t wait! I think this will be a perfect way to end my first graduate semester. I’ll fill you in on how we are planning on doing this, on a starving student budget tomorrow.

Sidenote: Theresa informed me that we missed the June registration for Crossfit, so the next one is July. Sad, I know…but I’m still doing my thing and we are both committed to starting Crossfit so it will happen. Maybe we will have to find another gym or something. I don’t know but Crossfit is happening.

I know most of you will go out tomorrow (Friday night), remember alcohol makes everyone look sexy. So drink up, and remember to grab your undies as you do the walk of shame on your way out!

Stay sexy!

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 32: Crossfit vs. Defense

21 Wednesday May 2014

Tags

Berkeley, change, crossfit, feelings, friends, healthy, healthy start, training, working out

Dear Lovers,

Today was an interesting day. First, I must say that I had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time and it was all thanks to my Abue! Yesterday’s post was pretty hard to write, I had to take a few breaks in between lines to avoid the tears. It’s hard to write a post when your eyes are full of tears, little suckers just get in the way. However, the emotions and memories were to overpowering and I just gave in. I let myself feel the pain, loss, joy, gratitude, and everything else you can think of.

I must say that I had forgotten how good one feels after a good cry, so good in fact that I slept like a baby. I felt so rested this morning, congested, but rested. Meh, you can’t have it all.

As I drove in to work I couldn’t help but think back to some of the moments I lived with my Grandmother, it was the best drive ever. Smile from ear to ear the whole drive through, even the radio station was in line with my thoughts. Nothing but smiles for miles (I don’t live that far from work, so it wasn’t that many miles, but you know what I mean).

There was a “special” board meeting at the Foundation today. I’m wondering what that was about, not sure what to make of it. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit worried. I know things are changing, we have a new CEO and executive team so it’s obvious things are going to change. In this case I think change is a good thing, but I’m wondering by how much; furthermore, is any of it going to affect me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Today I was told that I’m a bit defensive, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Not good. That’s for sure. I think I’m pondering more on the “why”; as in, why would someone consider me defensive. I find it interesting because the only other time I heard it was by someone that was acting like a total D-bag and if all he thought I was being was “defensive” then I was apparently not getting my point across.

I think I’m having trouble with this one, because I don’t consider myself to be-defensive. However, I’m also not one to stay quiet. Thus, if someone is mocking something I’m passionate about, I will say something. If someone is making a joke that is offensive to a certain group of people or even to myself, I will say something. If people say something rude or offensive but don’t want you to get mad because they put an “LOL” after it, well…then you’re just a dumb ass! That has nothing to do with me being defensive or not.

See, I’ve also considered myself to be someone that respects others opinions. I don’t want people to think like me or agree with everything I say; however, if you’re trying to get your point across by attacking me then I will react, I will defend myself.

I don’t know maybe I am “defensive” could it be residue from all those years of bullying? I don’t f’n know. I’m seriously not sure how I feel about this one.

The only defense I really care about.

Is the fact that I’m regarding this issue this much proof that I’m defensive?

Can one be defensive at being called defensive? Or is that ‘offensive’?

I need to have a coming to Jesus talk with myself about this one.

Don’t worry folks, I’m not going to be losing any sleep over this one. I’m just curious. Update: I’m over it, what people think of me is none of my business. If people want to call or think of me as defensive, then so be it. It is what it is.

Here’s something a bit more interesting, my best friend Theresa wants us to try Crossfit. Yup, running, kettle bells, and whatever crazy thing they have you do. I’m not going to lie this type of workout does kind of intimidate me. Not sure if it’s because of the group setting or of how competitive it is, or both. I’ve wanted to check it out, but I think the whole running in the streets and other people watching me as I try to hold it together and look cool in front of the rest of the group, while secretly knowing that any wrong move might just cause me to vomit freaks me out a little.

No ego? Really? I doubt that.

Then there’s the competitive aspect of it, this part I’m okay with. The only thing that worries me, is my personal competitiveness might cloud my judgment. I might push myself too far and injure myself again. This is the only part that makes me worry-a lot.

As I’ve mentioned before I played sports most of my youth, I grew up with boys, I was a an honor roll student, competition was present in every single aspect of my life. I seem to turn into Hulk, see red, and just go all Beast Mode, off I go, never looking back.

Here’s an example: When I was a hardcore gym rat (Think 23-24), we are talking about 2 to 2.5 hour workouts, 7 days a week, for about two years. I would hit the gym before I went clubbing, I would actually get out early from work to make sure I would fit in my workout. Cardio and resistance training were my big things, I loved working on my upper body strength. It was awesome, I looked awesome. One evening I was working on leg curls, I heard a snap, I knew that wasn’t good (I had already had my car accident which injured my sciatic a few years prior, so I knew to be careful); however, I kept on going. Yup, I finished my rep. Shit, I finished my entire routine, I knew something was off. I could feel it, but I kept lifting. The next morning, I couldn’t for the life of me get out of bed. I was screwed. Back to physical therapy I went.

Since, I’m on a mission to get back in shape I’m going to go for it. I’m going to try Crossfit! Did that sound convincing? I’m going Crossfit-ing? I’m going to get fit with Crossfit! ‘fiting’ and ‘crossing’ my way to fit! Does that even make sense? I think I’m already freaking out.

I’m sure mine will

Before I do, I’m going to make my friend (or hey check this out, since you read this) Theresa, keep an eye out on me. If I ever had to for some reason, or if we were ever in a “Hunger Games” type of situation, I know I can take her down. But, when she gets all tiger mom on me, I is scared. Plus, she’s not scared to call me out on crap.

So sign me up Theresa, we are doing the Crossfits thing. Just remind me I’m not the Hulk from time to time and maybe remind me to breathe if I’m starting to look a little sick, as we are doing the fit thing with the Crossfit (sorry couldn’t help myself).

Truthfully, I am a bit nervous about it but I’m excited too.

I will say this, if I see a girl with a “sports bra” and short-shorts, I might just lose it. I don’t suffer from skinny envy, I suffer from “wtf is that?”

I know we’ve all thought this at one point or another

Aren’t women scared their boob’s might pop out when stretching or reaching for the bar? I get the whole running thing, I would if I wasn’t so self conscious about my wobbly bits, but at the gym? I don’t get it, but hats off to you if you can rock it, but just to be safe, get out of my way I wouldn’t want to “accidentally” hurt you.

Good night lovers!

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Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 31: Happy Birthday Abue!

20 Tuesday May 2014

Tags

abuela, Berkeley, El Salvador, feelings, grandmothers, heavy heart, love, novelas, pollo campero

Happy Monday!

Ironic? This is the greeting you should be receiving at 9 am not 9 pm, right? However, aren’t we happy we survived this Monday? Honestly, I never really got this, the whole “Monday mornings suck” thing. In my opinion, all mornings suck. Only because I have a hard time getting up, which is why I’m usually running late. What? I’ve made my peace with it, so get over it.

I’m not really a morning person; although, others might think differently. These “others” are those that wake up at lunch time. You know who you are.

I’ve mentioned the getting up part; however, when I have something fun planned in the morning, I’m up! Usually before my alarm, which is why people think I’m a morning person. But no real conversations take place until I’ve had my morning coffee, anything I say before a drop of caffeinated goodness has entered my system cannot be taken seriously. You have been warned!

Let’s move on.

Today was a special day, a sad one, but still a special day. Today, May 19th is my Grandmother’s birthday. Not really quite sure how old she would have been because we could never find her birthday certificate, we are not even sure if there ever was an official certificate drawn up. She didn’t really care about age, all she knew is that there was an “hambruna” (famine) when she was born. We estimated her year of birth around 1913, but we are not sure.

She was in her teens on the top pic, and in her mid to late 20’s in the bottom picture

See, my grandmother ran away from her home in Santa Rosa de Lima, El Salvador at age 13 (if not younger my mother says 10, but I think it was 13), and left to Tegucigalpa, Honduras. She ran away because her brothers, one in particular would beat her on a constant. She would share some of the things he would do to her and I remember sitting across from her, holding back the tears. All the while wondering why in the world she would name her son after that SOB! Luckily, my uncle is nothing like this beast.

Back to my Abue, so in order for her to find some work and get an ID, she had to lie about her age. Hence, this is where the whole thing started.

Pretty amazing story right? She was an amazing woman. The entire day I kept remembering moments we lived together. The times we would fight and the times we would get along. The odd thing was that when no one was around, we never argued. We were synced in a way, it was pretty crazy. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t always fight, but we did have our arguments.

She was really old school, and extremely protective. I mean she was a lioness when it came to her children and grandchildren. My mother tells me stories of how, in their old neighborhood or “colonia” in El Salvador, which was a bad one. Everyone knew not to miss with Doña Virginia’s kids, as it was in our colonia when I lived out there. Everyone from the bus drivers to the guys hanging out in the corner knew who’s grandbaby I was.

I met my Grandmother for the first time in 1985, it was my first time visiting El Salvador. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I was 5 years old. I was just happy to meet my siblings and my grandmother. But when I got there, I was scared of her. She was missing teeth and the Rheumatoid arthritis had done a number on her knees, it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Plus, she could swear like the best of them (Now you Heffa’s know where I get it from!).

Oh yea, I think I forgot to mention that this was the first time they were finding out about me. My mother didn’t tell them she had a daughter in the United States…and…so…yea….I was the surprise! But my Abue, was happy, she was thrilled and loved me in that instant for all the other years she didn’t.

My mother left with my older brother, it was war time, boys where in danger. I didn’t know it then, but that’s why we were there, to get him out. I had to stay, and make sure they made it to the US okay. War was around me, one never forgets the sights and sounds of war; however, my Abue and my older sister Roxana kept it from affecting my reality as much as they could.

When it was time for me to go, Abue cried and even pleaded with my mother to let me stay. I don’t remember if I wanted to go or not, but I returned home.

This was the routine for many years to come: we arrive, she cries, we leave, she cries. My Abue cried a lot, she was strong and sentimental…SHIT! I just realized I’m like that too.

Back to her, I would love watching her, as she watched her novelas. She would get so into it, I mean she would yell at the television, telling the poor guy or girl off. She would laugh and cry. Classic Abue. But the best part was when she would doze off with the television on, we would always try to turn it off; however, every single time we hit the power switch, she would automatically wake up and yell at you, this is how it went:

Abue: Porque me la apagaste? (why did you turn it off?)

Me: Abuela, estaba dormida (Grandma, you were asleep)

Abue: Noooo, nooo, no lo estaba! (Noooo, nooo, I was not!)

Me: Abue, pero si estaba roncando. (Grams, you were snoring)

Abue: No jodas, estaba descansando mis ojos!” (Like shit I was, I was resting my eyes!)

Power on!

My Abue, is my hero. She’s just awesome. I mean she was just so strong, loving, and kind. My grandmother loved everyone, if she just met you, she would be so kind to you, you would think you’ve known each other for ages. All the kids in the neighborhood would greet her: “Buenos dias Abuela!” “Adios abuela” as they made their way to school. They also inquired about her when she was no longer at her spot by the door, this was around the time she got sick.

She was a fighter, she didn’t care much for status quo. She did things her way, and she was always about helping other people.

Boy, did she love her Pollo Campero! Good thing they delivered.

My grandmother, didn’t have an education, but God she was brilliant! She taught herself to read and write, she was a quick study, particularly at math. She had to be, when my mom and uncles were small, she had her own store. It wasn’t open long, she had to close it. She wasn’t making any money, not because she wasn’t business savvy, but because as my mom put it, she would give stuff away. She couldn’t help to see people hungry, especially kids. She would tell everyone “pay me back when you can” but the people in that neighborhood were so poor, they never could. But you see my grandmother didn’t care, she saw this as a blessing to be able to help people.

My grandmother was not high or middle class, they were poor. But my grandmother worked hard to make sure her kids were taken care of.

It’s funny how the more I think of her and the more I describe her, the more I realize how much we are alike. It’s not news, but it’s a confirmation. My mom always says I’m like her mother, she actually said my Abue told her “Esa niña es igual a mi” (That little girl is just like me.”) My mother said she didn’t pay her any mind, because as you can see from the photos, we are nothing alike-night and day. But I guess my grandmother saw something else, something that she could only identify, because it was a part of her.

My grandmother and I, celebrating my 15th birthday.

When I moved to El Salvador, I was honored and blessed to get to know my grandmother better. We talked, she shared her stories, her joys, her moments of sadness, and we were just in the moment.

Every day at 5 pm, it was time for our cafe con pan, or atole. That’s when we would talk, it was just the both of us in the house. Her caregiver was in school and the sergeant (my second oldest sister and my legal guardian at the time) was at work.

These are the moments I will forever cherish. These are the moments that I hope to one day be able to share with my kids.

I hope to one day be able to share the stories of an amazing women who helped me find myself by just being herself. How she loved Pollo Campero, novelas, and the loteria. A woman who loved to dance tango, and who was passionate about the things and people she loved. Share the stories of how Abue was way beyond her time. Tell them how Abue was proposed to by one of the Wright Brothers, how her favorite US President was Kennedy, because he made sure the Salvadoran kids in school had milk. Share with them how Abue, was never unkind to anyone, no matter what creed, the color of your skin, level of education or class, she loved and cared for everyone across the board.

Show them pictures that I rescued from my mother before she tore them up because they show her in what some might consider a taboo pose, but I see as pure art.

I hope to one day be the woman that my Abuela was, she was small but mighty. A force to be reckoned with, she was truly amazing.

I’m honored to be her granddaughter, I’m honored to carry her name, and my heart radiates with pride when someone says I’m just like her. How I wish she could see me now, how I wish I could talk to her. How I wish I could see her face light up with pride as it would when she would talk about my two older sisters who had graduated from University. I wish I could see her fall asleep in front of the television, wish I could hear her sing her favorite Tango. How I wish she was still here too see how far I’ve come, me, the black sheep of the family. How I wish I could tell her how she helped me finally feel as a member of this family. I just hope she knew how special she was to me.

How I wish I would have been brave enough to make my life out there with you, so I could have been there till your last days.

I know you’re with me, every minute, hour, and every day of my life. I just wish I could hug you one last time.

Te quiero mi viejita, sigue velando por mi que te necesito.

Feliz Cumpleaños Abuela, te quiero y extraño.

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Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 23: Frustration-1, Me-0

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by monilazo in Under the Berkeley Skies

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Tags

Berkeley, feelings, friends, good news, hipsters, love, one of those day, pity party, Religious profiling, travel, what would you do, wine

With dominion over your attention, you experience the true meaning of freedom which is more than merely experiencing a release from the thought form habits of worry, doubt, fear, dis-ease, discomfort and disharmony. Authentic dominion over your consciousness is the ability to freely express, in your own way, the deep, mystical chords of spiritual realization and divine creativity. From dominion, you move into the space of full-on living that characterizes the habits practiced in the lives of highly evolved people.”

Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith.

That my friends is the meditative thought of the week. Why am I mentioning it? Because today I lived streamed service, not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a member of the Agape Spiritual Community. The Rev is both the founder and our main Reverend (you know what I mean). I was not going to stream in; actually, I had forgotten about it. But as I was scrolling down Facebook I saw their post reminding us of service tonight; since, I had one of those days I decided I needed some Agape.

I did feel a bit weird because I was drinking a glass of wine (my second one actually), but then I reminded myself that JC (Jesus Christ) would be cool with it. I mean, he did turn water into wine, right? He gets it! I’m good!

What type of day did I have? The type that makes you realize that you are not 100% in love with your job anymore. The type of day that makes you kick yourself for being so good at what you. Why? Because that means people trust you; thus, they give you more work. It was just one of those days that every email that came my way was a new task. I took it all in, my only thought was: “I hope they realize how many cookie jars they want my hand in!”

Where is the wine?
Nina Simone

Were the two things that popped into my mind as soon as I walked in to my house.

I know, Nina Simone? But for some reason that’s what I wanted to listen to. She was going to be a part of tonight’s soundtrack.

Oh but it got better, as I was preparing my dinner, I stopped to take a sip of my wine, when I happened to take a quick glimpse outside my patio. My “sip” turned into a gulp as I saw a guy get off his bike, get his things together and prepare his bike to be mounted on to his hybrid. At that very moment I could feel and see myself screaming at the top of the lungs like a crazy lady: “Yea, okay we get it! You care about the environment, you ride a bike and own a hybrid…oh don’t mind me (I envisioned myself holding my glass, toasting it up into the air), I’m just upset because my Hummer is still in the shop!” WTF? I have no idea where that even came from, I loathe Hummers and the D-bags that drive them. What did the poor guy have to do with my day? I seriously do suck. It wasn’t the wine talking, it was the frustration talking.

As I read the above reading I realized, I’m not ‘highly evolved’. I’m far from it. I let my wine breathe before I gulp it down, that proves I’m evolved, but not highly. I still have a long way to go. I still get easily frustrated. I hate that about me.

Here’s why: When I do something, I go all in, I give you 110% of myself. My work always surpasses any expectations you might have. I’m not being cocky, that’s just the way I am. I have no problem in going the extra mile to get a job done; as a matter of fact, I will work extra harder to make sure things are done on the time expected. So when I’m thrown all these new projects or responsibilities at the same time, it catches me off guard. It’s not because I’m not flexible, but it’s because I don’t like to do something half assed! I want to give you the best work possible, but if I have to work on four different projects at the same time, that might just not be possible.

I know that’s my ego talking, but that’s how I am.

I’m not a brown-noser, I’ve never been, never will be. I am a hard worker, I let my work speak for itself. I like to go somewhere and just blow people’s mind away, not by being the one that everyone likes, but by being the one that everyone can count on. I’ve always taken my jobs seriously, as per my mom too seriously. Every time I start a new job, she always reminds me it’s not my company, so I shouldn’t work so hard for it. But I can’t, it’s a part of me. She and my uncle taught me that hard work is the only way you get ahead and life; so far, that’s what has happened. I’ve moved up in every single office job I’ve had, with the exception of Greenlight (that place just sucked). I’ve started at certain companies as either a receptionist or office assistant and before I knew it because of my hard work and dedication I was promoted to supervisor or manager. I’m no joke, I’m the employee you want working for you. I’m not being cocky, I’m being honest.

Which is why I have such a hard time when I get hit from all sides with different assignments. Why? Because I know people expect the best from me, why else would they keep piling on the work? For example: I found out that one of my current bosses, really trust me with work assignments, apparently the person that had my position before didn’t do all that I do. I don’t know this person, I don’t know if she was capable or what her deal was, so I’m not going to talk crap. But that says something, doesn’t it?

I guess I’m also just frustrated because I promised myself that I would slow down a bit. With all these projects and deadlines, I really don’t see that happening. I have three big projects to work on: Spring round of capacity building grants, our national giving event on May 6, and a two day summit in May. Yup, who knows what other responsibilities my new boss is going to have for me, along with whoever will start in February. I just want to make sure I do and give the best of me in every assignment that I complete, anything other than that is not acceptable. I know I’m a bit hard on myself, but those are my work ethics.

I’ll survive, just having a moment.

Okay, another thing that pissed me off today: Came across a special for an Elliptical, it was 75% off the regular price, it seemed like a good deal not to pass up, but I had to. See me buying something like that, and plugging it up in my apartment would mean that I would blow out a breaker, circuit or whatever those things are called, for the entire upstairs area. I’m not even kidding about this. If I were to decide to microwave some popcorn, all the while having my space heater on, and let’s say my neighbor decides she wants to blow dry her hair, so she plugs up her hair dryer-LIGHTS OUT! No joke, it’s happened before. It also happened when my previous neighbor decided to turn on his space heater when I had mine on too-LIGHTS OUT! This is why I don’t turn on a space heater in my home, only an electric blanket, all the while hoping that I don’t get the munchies for microwave popcorn late at night.

I love this man!

I know this is lame, but it upset me that I had to think about this. I don’t think people worry about leaving their neighbors in the dark when deciding to purchase an exercise machine. But it’s me, we’ve already established that I’m a bit “special,” as in anything you think could not happen to a normal human being will usually happen to me. I’m the Latina Bridget Jones-paging my Marc Darcy! Stat!

There I vented, feeling better now. Thank you for listening. You rock

Enjoying my Chamomile tea now, no more wine.

I know it’s only January 7th, but I seriously wish it was January 2015. Why? Simple, this is what I see:

Me wearing red (fierce as always), cocktail in one hand, holding my love’s hand in the other, saying: “God what a year! 2014 was an awesome year, I traveled to Central America and Europe, got in to grad school, met the love of my life (we both turn to each other and grin thinking of the amazing sex we’ve had the previous year and most likely that morning), and yea I know this year is going to be even better!”

That my dear friends is my projection for this year, traveling, love, and yummy sex!

Fine, as long as you promise to do them again!

Oh, yea, slip in grad school in between the traveling and the sex.

I’m tired of sounding pathetic, I want to sound prophetic.

Thus, this is what I see for my life.

I have my moments of weakness; hence, the need for wine and the poor hipster almost getting yelled at just for being green. But I’m sincerely grateful for all that I have. I have some of the things that I’ve always wanted: my own place, a career, a boot-less foot, and health. The other things I see for myself are on their way, I just needed time to prepare for my blessings.

Today I came across this quote from Eduardo Verastegui:

Llore y llore porque no tenia zapatos, hasta que vi un hombre que no tenia pies y era muy Feliz! Demos gracias a Dios en todo momento.

Translation (Darlings you must really learn Spanish, this is going to always be a thing in our relationship): “I cried and cried because I didn’t have any shoes, but then I saw an extremely happy man that had no feet! Let’s be grateful to God in every moment.” It really hit home, because we always seem to bitch about things, forgetting that many have it worse, but yet see the silver lining in their situations.

That my friends is something I’m working on. I know I failed miserably today, but I’m human. I snapped out; furthermore, you all were so kind to listen to me vent that I’m feeling so much better now. Seriously, you rock!

I’m ready for tomorrow, you know why? Because tomorrow will be a good day! Yup, I’m going to be rolling like Ice Cube tomorrow.

Here are some more ‘make your heart smile’ media. Love you my little darlings!

Geeking Out: Uganda’s Women are Creating the Next Generation of Girl Geeks

Watch this clip to the end, for some reason it made me tear up.

Here’s a few things to be happy about it, told ya’ll 2014 was going to be a good year!

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 18: The Professor

04 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by monilazo in Under the Berkeley Skies

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Tags

Berkeley, change, Edward Cullen, feelings, heartbreak, heavy heart, love, love sucks, Mystic Falls, Nyquil, Vampire Diaries

Hello my dears, well it’s day three in 2014 and it finds me sick! Looking stunning as ever in my pajama bottoms and hoodie, with a sexy ass cough and stuffy nose! Who wouldn’t want to make me sweet love to me under these conditions?

Well, I stayed in today, didn’t go in to work. It was just me and the sexy vampires from the “Vampire Diaries.” Yes, I’m one of those. I really don’t know what it is about vampires that just draws me in. Maybe it’s because they are so damn hot, I’m so into the ones that practice chivalry, you know that have not forgotten their manners even though they’re 500 or 1000 years old. Yup, I was an Edward fan because of that very reason. Plus, he had that whole James Dean rebel look going for him, that just added to his hotness. Outside of that role, I really don’t like Patterson.

Vampire Diaries, guess which one is my favorite?

Take Elena and Damon out, just leave me and Stefan, please!

What we all thought when we were reading these books!

I caught up on Season 5 as I slowly unpacked. I didn’t want to clean, but seeing my apartment in such a mess really killed me and made me feel even worse.

I realized that in yesterday’s post I forgot to mention something, I think I know why I forgot to mention it. It is something that I didn’t want to admit-to myself. But I must own up to it, my balls are big enough to do this so here it goes. Yesterday, when I finally got my phone back I was a bit disappointed to see that I hadn’t received a text message from someone on NYE. From the famous ‘professor,’ some of you might not know but this man was what I considered (and probably still do) perfect. At least on paper he was. He was attractive, sweet, attentive, accomplished, spiritual, political, conscious, and best part he thought I was hot. Unfortunately, after meeting me he realized he wanted to give it another try with his estranged wife, whom he was separated from for three years. It gets better darling, he thought it okay to talk to me about it. Apparently, I was the only person he felt comfortable with when it came to talking about this stuff. Well, fuck me!

What was I to do? I decided to be the person he had made me out to be and I encouraged him to go for it. Give it another chance, if he believed there was something still there, he should go for it. Yup, I don’t know how in the hell I got the courage to do this. But the only reason I could come up with was that I wanted him to be happy, his happiness was all that mattered to me at that very moment, even if it was with someone else.

They got back together. Good for them, but not so much for me.

I was left a mess, I had fallen for this guy. Nothing physical ever happened between us, other than a kiss on my birthday. But the moments we spent together were enough to win me over; moreover, I had just broken up with the boyfriend the month before. I went from something I knew I definitely didn’t want, to someone that was everything I was looking for. I thought he was divorced, that’s what the people that knew I was interested in him told me, so I didn’t hold back. He was actually the one that told me the truth on my birthday, but by that point it was too late. Especially knowing he felt the same way I did, how could I not want something with him?

But he didn’t want to start something with me, until he had ended his old relationship. Did it dawn on me that they might get back together? No. I didn’t see that happening. He was completely smitten with me and I with him.

When my injury was acting up again and the doctor told me to slow down, I decided to pull back from the political work for a while. I thought this to be the perfect chance to finally move on and get over him.

See my friends, guys can be dicks. Not all of them and sometimes not intentionally. But they are.

It kind of does, but I still can’t get enough of it!

I have a gut feeling that this guy went back because of his kids, not because of anything else, but I’m not really a reliable source, I was jonesing on this guy, my opinion can’t really be trusted. However, the reason why I say this is because the guy would still talk to me as if nothing had happened, he would still flirt, and say how he missed me and what not. That really does sound pretty darn typical right? Maybe I am an idiot, but again I had never met anyone like this guy, so I chose to believe it all. I believed it, but I didn’t let him know this. I stood my ground and stayed away. But because of the work we still had to see or contact each other. Naturally, when I called it quits on the work, I told him I was taking this time to move on from him as well. He said he understood and some other crap I can’t remember right now, but that was it.

Every now and again I would send him a text, I missed him. But it didn’t go farther than a quick hello or some type of funny picture. I did send him a Christmas card, calm down! It’s Christmas everyone gets one from me, even the ex did. They probably won’t next year, but this year they did.

I was a bit sad when I didn’t get a text on Christmas from him. For some reason I had convinced myself that I would get one from him on New Year’s, I would always get messages from ghosts past, but nothing. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it’s just more proof that we have both moved on.

I know sending someone a card might not really seem as if I’ve moved on, but I have. I realized that the Universe knew what it was doing when it parted us. Remember I said he was good on paper? Well, there is something that I think would not make him the perfect mate for me. See, when we were hanging out, there was always a question I never dared asked him because I was scared of the answer. I never asked if he wanted more children, he already has three. I knew that if he answered “no” that would brake my heart. I want kids like crazy, I think I want children more than I want a husband. See, my ex changed the story on me, he went from wanting kids to not wanting kids once we were a couple. That marked the beginning of the end for our relationship.

But the good thing is, I’ve moved on. I’m able to acknowledge the feeling and move on. I’m not going to dwell on it any longer. It is what it is and darling I got to move on!

Moving on is part of the plan for this year.

As I was undressing to take a shower, I was starting to feel a little crappy because like I mentioned in a previous post, I have gained about 500 lbs. this holiday season. So I was starting to do that ‘self-hating’ we tend to do at moments like these, but then I started remembering the stares and second looks I’ve received these past few weeks. Guys at the casinos, the airport, driving, the movies, restaurants, etc. So I was like “I must not be that hideous” Just like that I started feeling sexy and attractive. For a quick minute I forgot that it’s not the size of a woman, but the confidence. I got more ass when I was bigger than when I dropped all the weight, I was pretty darn cocky when I was bigger. I still am, but I’ve downplayed it a bit. Not anymore!

Have you heard of that saying:

The world sees you as you see yourself

Well, the world is going to see a hot new me! I’m not going to go on a cleanse or hit the gym for 3 hours like I use to. Na, I’m just going to immerse myself in some self-love. The more I love myself, the better I treat myself, the more I take care of myself, the better I feel, the better I look. Easy.

Maybe I’m caught up with all the crap happening in Mystic Falls. I mean there’s a lot happening there but yet those darn vampires and witches always look stunning! So, I’ll follow their lead. Lame, but just humor me, I’m under a crap load of cold medicine. Okay, so I got to go, going for a walk tomorrow morning around the lake and I think the Nyquil is starting to kick in, I must get some rest.

Love you sexy bitches! Good night!

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 3: Lesson Learned

04 Wednesday Dec 2013

Posted by monilazo in Motivational, Real talk, Uncategorized, Under the Berkeley Skies

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#givingtuesday, Bordeaux, Cancer, Cyber Monday, feelings, friends, friendship, tough, tough love techniques

What a day! Why is it that the first day back from vacation is the hardest? I feel as if I need an extra day just to pump my brain back to 9 to 5 mode.

In case you missed it today was Giving Tuesday! It is a National giving day, which always takes place on the Tuesday after Cyber Monday. Its sole purpose is to help us get off Santa’s naughty list, especially after punching that lady who got in between you and that 27” flatscreen TV for $100 on Friday. That wasn’t you? Okay, fine you get to make up for calling in sick on Cyber Monday because you needed to get 75% off that juicer. I’m not judging, I just got a juicer myself!

Okay, that’s not the truth. Giving Tuesday encourages people to give back to others this holiday season. Giving Tuesday is a day that takes the time to celebrate and encourage the kindness and generosity of others. On the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, charities and organizations go all out in order to help others in need. While Giving Tuesday is a relatively new concept as it is in its second year, last year over 50 million people participated in the charitable event. Everyone and anyone can get involved in Giving Tuesday, individuals and families can still get involved by volunteering at a local charity or donating to a favorite cause. For more information visit their site at #givingTuesday.org

I’m going to be honest with you, this is the first year I heard about it. Actually, today was the first time I heard about it, which is not good since I work in a community foundation. Worse yet I’m the one that takes care of our social media communications. I know, I would so be fired if you were my boss! But in my defense I was out on vacation and my bosses did not mention it; as a matter of fact, I was the one that mentioned it to them at this morning’s staff meeting. So, I somewhat did save the day.

I was going to talk about this and see if I could get you to donate to the community foundation I work for. But then came the text that changed it all.

Hi. Well the infection is back. They still waiting for my final labs and plan. But for sure getting surgery…a pretty big one.

I received the above text from my friend Claudia. She’s the the sweetest and most supportive person you’ll meet. She has this amazing heart that is just oozing with love; however, in my opinion her best trait is her patience. Especially with my crazy butt.

She and I just hung out this Sunday while I was visiting Los Angeles. We talked for hours, you see we really don’t talk on the phone or even text much; however, when we meet up we pick up where we left off. It might be a bit dysfunctional, but it works. I’m not recommending this for everyone, I just happen to have a friend that is extremely understanding so the results might not be the same for everyone, just like a diet pill!

My friend had the big C when she was a child and because of it is part bionic chick! For some reason or another her hardware (the bionic in her) got infected, and they had to go in there and clean it out. It was rough and scary, but she’s a lot tougher than she thinks and she came out on top. However, the infection is now back and she will have to undergo a big surgery to replace her bionic piece. There’s so much more to this story, but it’s not mine to tell so I’m giving you the short and sweet version.

I still remember when I received her text, my body felt tense and all I could think about was wanting to be next to her to give her a hug. I could imagine her trying to be strong for her mother and family.

Then I started thinking about how worried she might be. See my beautiful friend Claudia is an extreme worry wort, I mean seriously. It’s one of her quirks; however, at moments like these it could also be her downfall. I knew that the biggest worry would be about the costs, see our wonderful and bureaucratic system cancelled her MediCal. She’s fighting the system right now, but I have little to no faith in it. We need a miracle here and I pray that someone in that office actually takes the initiative to do the right thing.

So as I’m thinking about that, I get upset. I’m upset at the fact that our system is screwed, even if you live your life doing the right thing the system will find a way to mess with you. I’ve gone through it myself when I was little, I would hear my mother’s complaints about it. Especially because your dear Moni was a pretty sick kid, the ER’s were our home away from home some years.

However, what angered me the most was that I couldn’t help her. I’m not financially capable of lending my friend a hand to ease some of the burden. The last thing you need when you want to get healthy is to worry about how your going to pay for it.

From anger I went to gratitude. This is not a “better you than me” moment. Far from it.

This is a “Damn the Universe just made me check myself” moment.

At that very moment, I realized that I needed to quit complaining about my boot. Let’s rewind and clue you in. I’ve been wearing a boot on my left foot since the beginning of November. I have an old injury (Ankle sprain and three torn tendons in my foot) that for some reason or another (stress related as per my MD), flared up and started hurting like hell! Seriously, it came back with a vengeance.

I’ve been complaining about it, failing to realize that maybe the Universe and my body is telling me to slow down. Instead, I’ve been bitching about how I can’t go running, how stairs have turned into my enemy, and how I hate being so damn slow. Yes, I’m the first to admit that I suck at being a sick person. I will not argue with you on that one.

All this complaining blinded me from seeing the bigger picture: Too much work and no rest will find a way to come back and bite me in the ass. It sure has. It has taken a big chunk of it. But what I realized today was that mine is momentary. Some visits with my physical therapist, stretching, rest, and lifestyle changes will help get me back to health.

Can she say the same? Stupid cancer hit her when she was a kid, now she’s in her thirties still dealing with it. She doesn’t really complain, she has her moments but she doesn’t throw the towel and just sit there waiting for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. She deals and lives.

She and I have had our differences, mostly in the beginning of our friendship. Because she was a little more cautious and limited herself from experiences because of her leg. I, with my tough love techniques, was not having this. Let’s just say some moments were not pretty, and the only reason why she didn’t punch me in the throat is in part due to the fact that she doesn’t have a violent bone in her body.

Somehow she came out of her shell, and boy did we have such a blast scrapping some of that shell off. We went out and lived. She wouldn’t hesitate when I would just grab her hand and run out to the dance floor because my jam was playing, most of the time we were the only ones on the dance floor. We had some extremely good times. Even when things got tough, when her leg would act up she would still go out. We probably didn’t go dancing, but we still went out. I would tease her and say that her crutch was her date or we would see who could come up with the best story on why she’s walking around with a crutch over drinks. I would always say snowboarding, I mean that does sound pretty darn cool. We would just laugh about it and not worry about anything other than the next round.

Ridiculous. Is pretty much what I am. Complaining about how slow I am, the fact that I can’t run (right now), how because of the boot I have to sit inside at the Fillmore instead of working with my friends at the door. Wow, right? I know throw rocks at me, I suck.

The funny thing is that she doesn’t consider herself a strong person. Well, my dear Claudia let me tell you chica you are one bad-ass woman! You are one of the strongest women I know! Who else could put on a smile for the rest of us, so we won’t worry, and still be worried about us worrying about you? Try saying that three times after a bottle (or two) of Bordeaux.

I still remember how during our lunch at Mimi’s, you were trying to explain to me how the surgery to remove the excess scar tissue on my ankle was not big. How it wouldn’t be painful and how the recovery time is extremely short. Yup, even though she has bigger fish to fry she is still worrying about me and my dumb boot.

Yes, I do feel extremely lame right about now. Trust me the message was received and the lesson learned. No more complaining. I know it might be tough, but I’m going to definitely try. When we are in the thick of things, we can’t think clearly and we are

Rocking my sexy boot in the office on casual Friday.

unable to see the bigger picture.Well, thanks to my dear friend I am having a moment of clarity and I’m realizing that I have a lot to be grateful for. Plus, I rock the boot! I make it look all kinds of sexy!

If any of you know of any resources and/or would like to help my friend in some way, shape or form please contact me directly.

Hasta mañana! But before we go, remember:

Voz y Vida

~ Using my Voice to Entertain, Enlighten, and Inspire!

Tag Archives: feelings

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 41: Look up and Read the Signs.

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 40: Update

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 40: Lost for words…

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 36-38: Mashup!

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 34: Plans, Plans, and Pedicures!

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 32: Crossfit vs. Defense

Under the Berkeley Skies-Day 31: Happy Birthday Abue!

Happy Monday!

Te quiero mi viejita, sigue velando por mi que te necesito.

Feliz Cumpleaños Abuela, te quiero y extraño.

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 23: Frustration-1, Me-0

Geeking Out: Uganda’s Women are Creating the Next Generation of Girl Geeks

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 18: The Professor

Under The Berkeley Skies-Day 3: Lesson Learned

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Happy Monday!

Te quiero mi viejita, sigue velando por mi que te necesito.

Feliz Cumpleaños Abuela, te quiero y extraño.

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