Hey everyone, so I’m back to fill you in on what has happened since my last post. I wish this could be a happier update, but it’s not. It’s a real one, with even more vulnerability. So, in my last post I introduced you all to this new challenge of mine. All about Love, doing all the things that I love, make me feel loved and bring me joy. I also briefly mentioned the curriculum that I had created, that evolved around my Vision or Manifesting board, right? Well, part of that curriculum had self-love, as in radical self-acceptance. Which has been the thing I’ve been struggling with since becoming a mother. Between the remnants of a body that carried a body (that bouncing back BS does really screw with you), aging, self-diagnosed Perimenopause, and Hypothyroidism I’ve had a hard time accepting this physical version of me.
Before we continue, let’s get this straight – radical self-acceptance does not mean getting thin, or hitting the gym to be a smaller version of me. This to me means, accepting me as I am now, feeling comfortable in the body I have now, all 200+ lbs of it (ngl, might delete that later). I want to be able to look at the mirror without cringing or having negative thoughts.
Radical self-acceptance to me means, looking at myself in the mirror with loving eyes. Have a clear and wholehearted knowing that I deserve good things at any size, or more importantly at this size. It means not looking at food as good or bad, not jumping on the scale every week and torturing myself if that number doesn’t move or goes up. No matter how many times I say to myself “it’s just a number, it doesn’t define me” Girl, you know it does. It defines how I’m going to treat myself that day, how I’ll start obsessing over ways to move more and eat less. It will ruin my day. I will either walk an extra mile and count every calorie I put in my body, or throw myself into the arms of my couch and binge watch some “girl takes on the world” movie looking for some inspiration as I try to quiet down the negative self-talk.
Best believe that this definition of Radical self-acceptance took a lot for me to accept, it wouldn’t be Radical if it was easy or a common notion. It’s Radical because it’s new, and goes against everything that I’ve believed for so damn long.
Now that we know what Radical self-acceptance is and isn’t, let’s dive in. My curriculum was originally only created for six months, during that time I was going to get the ball rolling on the life I wanted to manifest, this included: travel, money, radical self-acceptance-of course, and the other themes that we will get into later. However, two days before the end of the month, I woke up feeling shitty. I woke up, sat up, looked straight ahead into the mirror, and that was it. My inner-critic just went at it, it was vile and it was hurtful. I just wanted to crawl back in bed and hide. I couldn’t. I was meeting a friend for an early morning walk. So, I got up, changed and did my thing, only glancing at the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a lunatic as I walked out the door.
I went on my walk, then we went for coffee. Just my luck that on all days, the café we went to had a mirrored wall. I tried to keep my eyes on the ground as we walked towards our table, but somehow I catched a glance at the reflection on the mirror and the Critic made herself known. The irony is that I was meeting with a friend who radiates self-acceptance. So, I tried to hone in on her energy. Luckily our conversation required me to be engaged and an active listener, so when I spoke it quieted the Critic down. When I listened in, I could silence her out.
I wish I could say that this didn’t last long, but it lasted until the next day. The next morning, she was at it again-this time I was more like “wtf, girl shut up!” Like about damn time right? I was only able to get ballsy with her, because the night before I realized that a month of radical self-acceptance was not enough for me. I went back to my curriculum and started editing. I need at least 6 months-to start. So, with the help of my friend Claudio (Claude) went back and completed an 18-month curriculum, where the first six months were focused on Radical Self-Acceptance.
Disclaimer: I mention an AI tool, it helped give me the foundation for the curriculum; however, I researched and changed a lot of it so it’s more personal. For example, at first it thought I was a Black Woman, I love me some Black Queens, but I’m not one. Then when I corrected it, it thought I was a Chicana, closer but not quite it either. I researched and added books, shows, and podcasts that I knew would fit into that month’s theme. In short, as with everything else in this world AI is a tool, subject to errors and should not be taken as 100% factual. Sorry Reese Witherspoon.
So that’s what I’ve been focusing on, it’s a struggle but with that work and therapy I’m hoping to get to a happy medium. At least gain more tools to help me quiet that Critic before she takes over and ruins my day. I would love to just shut her down completely but baby steps, got to learn to crawl before we learn to walk.
One of the biggest things I learned so far is that I still have so much work to do. For instance, I thought I had gotten better at listening to my body. Turns out I suck at it. Few weekends ago I needed to run errands, as I was getting ready I felt a little weird. My body felt off, I brushed it off as maybe not enough water and hungry-maybe? It’s been really hot out here. Made me a Liquid IV and PB & J sandwich (Electrolites & protein, the perfect combo!), then off I went. As I pulled out of my driveway, I felt even more off, my stomach was funky now too. Again, brushed it off “I’ll be okay, the AC will cool me down-I have to get these things done. I’ll be okay” . I drove some more, as I got into a high traffic area, I realized at that very moment “I’m not F’n okay, something is terribly off” My stomach was going through something, my legs felt restless, and my hands were shaky. All I wanted to do was turn around, there was so much traffic-I was stuck. Turned off the radio, started taking deep breaths, trying to self-soothe as much as I could. It felt as if I was on the verge of a panic attack – I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. A U-turn was not possible, I would have to stay in traffic without moving for far too long, and I didn’t know how long I had before whatever happened escalated. The only lane moving was the on-ramp to the freeway, well there I went. Praying all the way, continuing to self-soothe as I drove cautiously and quickly. Got home, and simply collapsed on the couch.
Was it a panic attack? It was a stress free morning and day up to that point. My family thinks it was a reaction to the heat. You see, not only do I hate the heat because I sweat so much. Like a lot, I’ve always been this way since I was kid, and for those saying “it’s because your fat girl” nope even when I was at my thinnest I looked as if I was melting. Now I have a slow thyroid that does a shitty job at regulating my body temperature, oh and I’m also in Peri-menipause (self- diagnosed) so yea the heat is my worst enemy. Also, it triggers my migraines so I’m constantly trying to regulate my temperature to avoid getting knocked out by a heat-induced-migraine. I’ve had just two this summer (vs. more than 5 the years prior) Win! My electric bill? Ouch.
My body calmed down, except for my stomach. Not sure what was going on there, I could only lay down. Sitting down caused it to hurt and caused major discomfort. I really don’t know what happened, I just wished I would’ve listened to myself and not try to rally through the discomfort as I always do.
Lesson learned? No, of course not.
The followingg Monday, I went on my morning walk. The temperature said 73 degrees, not bad. But once I got out, I realized it was humid so it felt like 88 degrees (according to my weather app) . I felt uncomfortable, I kept looking around -people were walking as if nothing, young and old. I was fine, is what I told myself-even though all the alarms in my body were going off. I convinced myself I was only going to do one turn around the park, and not my usual two. It’s the least I could do. As I continued to walk, I felt off-is it happening again? I stopped under some trees and drank water. I stayed there for a while, and decided to slowly walk back home. Where I collapsed on the coach again.
This time I listened to my body, but out of fear not compassion.
Then the week after (Wednesday), the critic was back. Had an in-person event yesterday a picture was taken and that set it off. I looked at the picture, noticed my size, thought that by not sharing the picture-she would stay in her cave. She didn’t. This morning she was loud and obnoxious, talking about my body in that photo. How wide my hips looked, how embarrassing it will be to go back to school today and be so big. She was on one. Today was my son’s first day back to school, I couldn’t make it about her. As I made breakfast and packed his lunch, she was talking her shit, I had to sit. Take a beat, I prayed. It quieted it, but she remained, lurking. I was so over it, after drop off, I stood in front of the mirror and talked back. “What’s going on? What she’s showing you (it’s not just a voice, it’s imagery too-she covers all her bases) is not the truth. This is our body, this right here, is our body.” I wrapped my loose shirt around my body, and I turned around in front of the mirror, looking at every angle. “This, here…yes we are gordita, but not the size she’s making you out to be. That’s not our body she keeps flashing, this, this is our body.”
Not sure how or why, but it helped. She quieted down.
On this same day, after doing the mom thing, I did the daughter thing. I planned a spa day for my mom and I.We went Korean, so you know that body scrub is heaven as they scrub all your sins away. This time I noticed the hands on my belly, I noticed the touching, I noticed the gentleness. It’s not my first massage, but it is the first time I’ve noticed the hands on my belly. Have they done it before? I honestly would not be able to tell you, does that mean it never happened or did I blank it out because I felt uncomfortable? Both could be true, i wouldn’t be able to tell you. However, this time I noticed it, because it felt foreign, it felt nice, but foreign. I don’t think I touch my body that way. Don’t get me wrong, I apply lotion every day-my momma got us started young, no ashy skin here. But I guess I just apply, there’s no ceremony to it. Especially in the summer, I’m just trying to apply before I start getting sweaty.
What’s funny is that my curriculum ( need to come up with a new name, maybe Guide Book or Manifesting Guide? MG for short, yea, maybe that one). Anyways MG has weekly and monthly to-do’s: One session a month of acupuncture, massage, spa day, writing, sleeping 7-8 hours, etc. And one of those is: Morning: body oil or lotion — touch your skin with care. I read that and was like “I do that when I apply lotion after my shower” only to realize during the massage that I don’t. I apply lotion, and most of the time without care.
So, in fact I still have a lot of work to do.
There’s just a lot that comes up, there’s also a lot of un-learning that is taking place. Especially when it comes to body image, I have to un-learn everything that tells me that thin is the only way I will be loved, and the only way I will be happy.
6 months might not be enough, but it’s a starting point. It will more than likely be a lifetime, because it’s ingrained in my core. That’s okay, I just need to get to a point where I don’t let the Critic win, and keep me from manifesting the life I want to have.
Slowly, I’ll get there.
July Monthly Rundown:
| Read | Hunger by Roxane Gay | Second read, I noticed different things this time that I missed the first time. (link to review coming soon) |
| Read | The Body is Not an Apology by Renee Taylor | Didn’t finish, but started it. Luckily I get to pick it up later in the process. |
| Listen | Maintenance Phase | They only put out a couple episodes a month, so I listened to old episodes-did not disappoint. Funny & Smart! |
| Listen | She’s All Fat | NFM: For a younger crowd, stopped producing new episodes in 2021 or 2022. |
| Watch | Embrace Your Body by Taryn Brumfitt | I think this is what got me to get in front of the mirror to shut down the critic. Watch her documentary “Embrace” if you have time. |
| Watch | Plus-Size? More Like My Size- Ashley Graham | WTF: I just couldn’t relate, it’s hard to see Graham as a plus size model. |
| Watch | Lizzo: Watch out for the Big Grrrls | I enjoyed it, but I think it’s hard to watch knowing that some of the girls took her to court. |
| Nourish | Spa Day: No Acupuncture: No Sleep 7-8 hours: Failed | The first month:it was hard to schedule things. Also, it’s hard to get to bed at a decent time when kiddo is out of school. |
Voz y Vida™ 