My Year of Love (Spoiler: It’s Not About Finding a Man)

Hello sexy people! I’m back, I never really left-I was just not able to write. As you might know our country is in a bit of a mess, and I’ve been working hard at trying to reduce as much harm to our communities as possible. You can see a few glimpses of that work on my gram. Back to us- I honestly didn’t have the bandwidth to sit down and write. I was emotionally and physically drained from work but also from watching members of my community live in fear and being picked up so violently while trying to simply exist and provide for their families.

The current state of our nation overshadowed my moments of joy. I didn’t have time to garden, read, write, and honestly didn’t have time to be present. I couldn’t be present. To my surprise I found myself reliving emotions and fears that I didn’t know I had. Fears that had me waking up screaming out for my “mami”- I was a child again in those dreams. I was reliving childhood traumas of growing up with an undocumented parent-I didn’t know I had any. So, I felt guilty because it didn’t make sense. I was born here, what fears could I have? Apparently many and I had done an amazing job at suppressing them. A ceiling fan triggered a dream that had me waking up in tears. I was a mess, and yet I didn’t think I deserved to be. I was so confused by it. 

It wasn’t just the personal, it was everything all at once. Being an advocate means being out- in the field, watching and talking to people that are scared and impacted, it stays with you. It haunts you when you can’t sleep, it sneaks in when you have small moments of quiet or even joy. That guilt that you shouldn’t be laughing, because others are crying, scared, or dead. When I was out trying to advocate for the big ugly bill, one elder shared “It’s cheaper for me to let myself die because I can’t afford my heart medication. What are we to do?” 

That event was over a year ago now, and it haunts me to this day-because really what the fuck is she to do? And why is this even an issue in the US? How are you supposed to just turn that off, knowing everything that you know? Knowing that people are slowly killing themselves because they have to stretch out their insulin. Knowing that kids will go hungry because they cut their benefits. Seeing kids wearing bunny ears terrified as they see agents trying to lure their mother out to grab her too. 

It was a lot. There was a lot to process. 

Therapy was and continues to be  a godsent. The best advice during this time that did me so well was: Turn OFF the NEWS! I was consuming so much of it, I had to for work but then I was consuming so much social media as well. The news informed what I had to prepare for that day – my morning started with “What has he done now?” or “Who is he coming after now?” Then on socials it was heartbreak followed by angst- “we are so going to hell for all of this ”. It wasn’t all sad, there were moments of joy and triumph-when I would see people standing up and defending others. Some even put their life on the line like Rene Good and Rene Pretti-but why? Why is that needed? All of it seems so unnecessary-when did we lose our compassion? When did we lose our humanity? I was left with more questions than answers, and that alone was difficult for me. 

If I didn’t have therapy, I would be lost. All of this is consuming and for a while it did. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s all 100% better, because the headlines are still awful. ICE is still raiding our communities, and I’m still hearing heartbreaking stories in the field. I realized that I had to work twice as hard at breaking through that. I had to look for the good, be the good, and sometimes even create the good myself. 

I immediately got on that-is what a normal person might say. But we all know that was not the case, if you’re new here ask somebody they will fill you in. I’m amazing at overthinking, at making the easy complicated, and the complicated simple. Like gold medal good-if there was a Nobel prize for overthinking I would  be the multi-year prize winner in that category.  Knowing what you have to do and doing it, are two completely different things. For instance, I know that this supersized Red Vine I’m chewing on as I write this  is so not good for my health, and as any Almond Mom will tell you, full of red dye that will “kill me”. I know this, but is it my #1 snack at the movies alongside my children’s sized popcorn? Yes! Like we’re all gonna die sometime, why not enjoy whatever toxic red shit this Red Vine is made out of if it brings me joy?

Back to the moment when I decided to act on creating joy and happiness. Let’s go back to February 14, 2026. Yup, Valentine’s Day or Single Awareness day-pick your poison. I was not going to let it bring me down-we all want to say it doesn’t-but it does. Maybe not ‘ugly crying, with snot running down your face singing “All By Myself” drowning your tears in tequila’-down. But it does-we don’t like to admit it-because why would we get our panties in a twist over a “capitalist made up holiday” and all that jazz we tell ourselves. Anyway, I got up early that day, said my annual V-day mantra “I’m good!” (must be said in front of a mirror) went on a walk ( Loving myself-muaw-muaH!) Then I walked to Winchell’s to get some sweets for my sweets, heart shaped donuts for my momma and my kiddo.

Later that evening I made a yummy dinner, drank some nice chilled wine and watched Jane Austen Wrecked My Life on Netflix. Loved it! Let’s recap: I love Jane Austen, I love Pride and Prejudice, which is why I’m obsessed with Colin Firth and Bridget Jones! So what better movie to watch on this day? It follows a French bookseller who loves Jane Austen and attends a writers bookshop in one of Austen’s old family estates. There’s love in this movie, literature and people talking about literature. There’s talk about writers, and people talking about their writing process. Everything I love doing, and have missed so much doing.  

First realization of the night: I really do miss literature, I miss writing. How many times have I said to myself “uh, that would be a good blog post!” only to not do it? A zillion times. 

Then I watched “Lonely Planet” another movie about writing and this time a really obvious slow-burn romance. Older woman, younger man, in lovely Morocco at a writers retreat. She hesitates, she fears a lot, and it’s impacting her writing. Fun fact, I started watching this movie in 2024 when it came out, never finished it, and finally watched it (and finished it this time) in 2026. 

Second realization of the night: Fear is a bitch and it really holds us back. I’ve been holding back a lot recently. 

Third realization: These women became happy once they took the time to realize what they were missing, self-love. They weren’t being true to themselves. They were putting their needs last. 

Initial thought: Well, damn…

Initial feeling: Uncomfortable. 

I sat with that a bit. I was uncomfortable because I was coming to the realization that I had somehow lost myself. I didn’t know who I was-who this new version of me is and why I’m struggling with accepting her. 

That’s a lot of pressure on a holiday about love, right? Putting out would be a lot easier than self-actualization or whatever journey I was getting ready to embark on. Anything is easier than facing your truth. As in true Me fashion, I decided I would work on a year of Love. I would challenge myself to figure out what love is for me. A year of doing the things I love, make me feel loved, and joy. Think of it as Shonda Rhimes’ “A Year of Yes”  but more focused on love. Most importantly I was going to  document it here, as a way to get me writing again. 

Easy, right? No. I was hyped about this, but it wasn’t going to be easy. It was a challenge and I’m good with challenges. So, I started reading again. Listening to music again. Attended a literature event on Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein”. I went by myself, talked to a few people, and I participated and read my piece outloud. I was doing what I loved. My brain was thinking about literature and not political strategy. I noticed how into it I was. I wanted more of this, I promised myself I was going to do more of it. 

I didn’t. 

But I did think about LOVE a lot. Not romantic love, or maybe not solely romantic love but love in general with a special emphasis on self-love. To be honest, it’s what I’m lacking the most. I realized that self-love is more than just self-care, or feeling comfortable in your skin. It’s making that doctor’s appointment, getting your eyes checked, making that dentist appointment, eating the food that makes you feel good-and defining that accordingly for yourself. It’s resting, it’s taking long showers, it’s listening to your favorite music while walking, while taking a shower. It’s dressing up cute just because. It’s reading things you enjoy, spending time with your loved ones, laughing with your friends, gardening, doing all the things you LOVE, which will bring you joy. 

Did I start now? No, of course not. 

In May, my best friend came to visit for my son’s first communion and she was visiting my house for the first time. She said to me “I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished. You got your casita” I was like “Yea, who would’ve thought, right?” She looked at me and said “I did! You’re a manifester! That’s why I knew you were going to achieve it.” That word “manifester” stayed with me longer than she did. I never thought of it that way. I thought I was just goal-oriented but she broke it down deeper for me “I remember when you said, ‘okay, I want kids. I want a baby’ then a couple months later we found out you were pregnant.” Ugh, no I didn’t like this answer. I fought her on it, and she was not backing down. Why did I fight it? Because it made it seem like I went out looking to get knocked up by this man. I didn’t. But I remembered that I came to the realization that I did want kids, I was trying to convince myself for many years that I didn’t because I thought it wasn’t in the cards for me. So convincing myself of this was a lot easier than wanting something and never getting it. I’ve been there before and that pain sucks. 

At that point I realized that she was right, I said that. I said it before this man was even in the picture, I was just being honest with myself and the Universe. I’ve done this before when I said “I’m going back to school, and I’m going to study what I want to study”  at a Tony Robbins Seminar. I did go back to school that fall, and now I have two degrees on my wall. 

Did I finally start? Yes…the wheels started turning.  

When I set the goal to buy my house, that was the only thing on my mind. That was my goal, my motivation, that was my focus-buying my house. It.was.going.to.happen. It did happen, I made it happen. Happiest moment of my life up there with the birth of my child, and walking that stage at Berkeley (because from GED to UC Ber-ke-ley- honey! That’s f’n big!). It was the reason why I was grinding twice as hard. I had a goal to make happen. Once achieved I wondered what was next? What’s my next goal? I couldn’t think of anything that excited me as much as going back to school or buying a home. 

“You’re a Manifester Moni!”  I couldn’t shake it off. So, I realized that instead of a goal, why not focus on manifesting? Manifesting the life I want. Manifesting the experiences I want to have. 

What’s the difference between goals and manifesting? Manifesting is more of an internal process, the why, the journey. Goals, external, the how, kind of like the GPS for your journey Hard for me to put into words, but I found this description that aligns with mine: 

“…manifesting answers the why, whereas goal planning addresses the how. Manifesting helps you identify what you want and why, how you want to feel, and who you want to be. Goal planning is the bridge that makes your manifestations come to fruition. It helps you figure out how you will achieve your manifestations, what steps you will take, and when you will do them….” paige ditullio

So I created a manifestation board, and like Tara Schuster shares in “Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies” I put it everywhere. I printed physical copies of it, framed and hung it in my room, my office, as a background on my phone, and my laptop. With the help of AI I created a title for it, themes and even a 6 month curriculum to help get me started. Extra? Maybe. My algorithm led me to this one account where she creates monthly themed curriculums on specific subjects as a way to learn more about the topic and I wanted to give it a try. I’m using it as a guide to help along the way, to ensure I stay on track, it was also a lot of fun to put together. That might be the nerd in me. 

I’ll share more about the curriculum in a follow-up post, including monthly updates on what stuck and what didn’t work. For this month, there’s been some misses on the suggestions, while others have been marvelous additions to my podcast line-up. As mentioned, documenting the journey is a way to get me back into writing, so I’ll share some of that too. At least what’s comfortable in sharing here. I don’t have a big audience, but it will help me work my writing muscle at least. 

Since this post is long enough I’ll share with you that it has been a lot of fun so far. There’s been some realizations that have stopped me dead in my tracks, and I’ve had to sit with those emotions for a lot longer than I ever anticipated. While others have led to fun points of self-discovery and new experiences. I’m sure it’s not always going to be like this, as I’m also sure that I need to keep my motivation as I get deeper into the work. For now, I’m enjoying the journey, especially as each new experience introduces me to something new. 

So wish me luck, and as always thank you for reading.