Is it possible to truly experience life and not just live it? I sure as hell don’t know, but I will try.
Hey everyone, it’s been a while.
A lot of things have happened, are happening.
There’s been a few breakthroughs.
Some growing pains.
A few fucks given and some not given.
A few tears and a lot of laughs.
Quite a bit of lessons learned while other things had to be unlearned.
Some early mornings and some much needed rest has taken place.
Some delicious food has been made, enjoyed and eaten.
Some wine has been savored.
There’s been a few celebrations, there’s also been some mourning.
In other words, I’ve been experiencing LIFE with all of it’s beautiful intricacies and simplicities.
Let’s start at the beginning, since I last wrote I’ve gained a year along with some pounds. I went from being a hop and skip away from 40 to being just a hop away from 40. Still not sure how I feel about this, which might mean I’m either okay with it or I’m in denial about it.
Ah, best part…I also gained a job! Yes, my dear beautiful people your favorite chingona is now employed. I’m actually self-employed, no pues mirame? I’m doing something that I love and making the money I should be making for my skill set. Most importantly, I’m working in the field I went to school for.
I held out for almost a year, looking for the right opportunity and that patience paid off. It wasn’t easy, there were a few dark moments and for a while there I was ready to take anything that came my way. But luckily the right position came my way; although, short term but something tells me it might lead to something long-term if not something bigger.
I love self-employment, I mean I do have to be worried about taxes and what not. But I love it. I’m able to work anywhere because I’m remote, I’m also able to make my own schedule.
I think the biggest thing that has happened since we last chatted; aside from my job, is the change in perspective on life. I’ve been contemplating my life lately. I don’t think I’m going through a midlife crisis…at least…I don’t think so. I’ve just been really thinking about some of the things I have yet to do. Things I thought I would have done by now, things I have yet enjoyed, seen or experienced.
However, I’ve also realized how much has changed. How much I’ve grown, how much has changed around me, and how many changes I’ve made.
I’ll share a few of these things with you; since, I know your sexy curious ass is dying to know. I will delight you all, let’s go.
First and the most important, I want to experience life. Let’s say that once more for the people in the back: I want to EXPERIENCE life. I don’t want to just live it, I want to experience it.
I want to create moments in which I get to experience life. I want to take in every emotion, every sight, use every taste bud. Take on new opportunities, go on new adventures, take risks, love, feel, have good sex, treat myself to the finer things in life.
“The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.”– Oprah Winfrey
I’ve realized that I have not done so many things because I’m always waiting for the “right” time. Have the “right” amount of money in the bank, the “right” opportunity, the “right” job, blah, blah, blah. Everything had to be “right” but that “right” never came.
I seriously, do believe that’s why the Universe was like “Aight, we gonna give this chick a kid now. Because she’s not going to do it on her own. Her terms are ridiculous!” However, I took it to the next level, as I usually do. I became so wrapped up in being a mother that I forget all about my inner goddess.
But she’s back! Thanks to a fling, that reminded me how good sex is, my goddess is back. It’s not just the sex, it’s everything that comes with it. It’s the feeling wanted and needed by someone else other than my kid. Being wanted for what I have to offer as a woman. Not as a mother, daughter, caregiver, Grantmaker, employee, etc. AS A WOMAN.
Have you heard that saying: “there’s nothing sexier than a woman that feels sexy”? Honey, it is the truth. I’m not saying that you should only feel sexy when someone else wants you, but in my case, it was a reminder of what sexy is. Of what sexy feels like. A reminder to fucken feel sexy for me!
The fling was short, and at the end told the guy to kick rocks. But my dear, the sexiness remains. I’m open to dating, not sure how to go about it. I’m used to trying things organically. Going out and meeting people, through other friends or just by being out. I haven’t been doing that lately. I tried the online scene, I was done within 2 weeks of creating my account. It’s not for me. Either I suck at it, or guys have really no clue as to how it works and are incapable of carrying a conversation.
Yea, so there’s that. Let’s see what happens. I’m excited. Remember sometimes you just need to be open to the blessings and the opportunities and the Universe provides.
I’ve realized that I need to stop putting so many things on hold. There were so many things that I wanted to do but haven’t done. I’ve wanted to travel, so I’m going to do it. I’m going to allow myself the experience and the education that comes with traveling. It might be a little different than what I had originally envisioned for myself. I might take some trips with my family and some on my own. Creating memories is part of the experience. So, I’ll do just that with and for my kiddo. I’m currently typing this on a train headed to Syracuse to visit one of my best friends. Flew my family out to upstate New York to visit family and within that trip there’s a mini-me-only vacation.
It was a bit expensive, but shit I work my ass off. Why not treat myself?
Oh honey and I have.
Shoes, clothes, wine and fine dining, things I enjoy, wine.
I’m being responsible, my kid has everything he needs and some. I’m saving. But why save it all and not enjoy anything now?
Since, I’ve moved back home I’ve come to the realization that there are so many places I have never visited and I’m a native Angelino! I’m serious. My cousin just came from El Salvador and she went to places I’ve been wanting to visit! Yea, so that’s changing. I need to experience my city.
I’m going to write more, read more, meditate more, play more.
I’m going to sabotage less, diet less, stress less (work in progress).
Doubt less, trust more.
Allow for stillness, but be active.
Stop trying to improve myself, but work on my personal growth.
Hustle but work smarter, not harder.
Acknowledge my fear, but don’t let it paralyze me into inaction.
Acknowledge and appreciate my blessings, while being a blessing to others.
I’m going to keep loving and playing hard.
I’m going to continue to dream big, but work on making those dreams a reality.
Another important point, I am changing the way I speak to myself. Getting rid of that negative self-talk. Have you ever wondered why it is that we demand and expect respect from others but we treat ourselves like shit? Have you ever caught yourself mid-negative-self-talk rant? I have. It’s jarring, how easy it is to do that to ourselves. So, yea working on that. That’s got to go. It’s a work in progress, as I still catch myself, but I’m getting better at not doing it.
When I do catch myself, I simply say:
“Let it go Mónica. You are doing the best you can. I’m doing the best I can. I got this!”
It doesn’t work immediately or magically makes rainbows and unicorns appear. I mean, you guys I’m a Chingona not Mary Poppins. Close enough, but not technically the same. It does; however, pull me from the negativity and relieves some of the stress that comes with the self-sabotaging.
Well, mi linda gente I got to go. Promise it won’t be months until you hear from me.
Till then, stay brown, stay beautiful, and stay woke!
Love it Love it ! Little do you know your positiveness has helped me a lot!. You ARE an amazing mom, comadre, niece and daughter. Keep on keeping it real.