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Dear Lovers,

Today was an interesting day. First, I must say that I had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time and it was all thanks to my Abue!  Yesterday’s post was pretty hard to write, I had to take a few breaks in between lines to avoid the tears. It’s hard to write a post when your eyes are full of tears, little suckers just get in the way. However, the emotions and memories were to overpowering and I just gave in. I let myself feel the pain, loss, joy, gratitude, and everything else you can think of.crying

I must say that I had forgotten how good one feels after a good cry, so good in fact that I slept like a baby. I felt so rested this morning, congested, but rested. Meh, you can’t have it all.

As I drove in to work I couldn’t help but think back to some of the moments I lived with my Grandmother, it was the best drive ever. Smile from ear to ear the whole drive through, even the radio station was in line with my thoughts. Nothing but smiles for miles (I don’t live that far from work, so it wasn’t that many miles, but you know what I mean).

There was a “special” board meeting at the Foundation today. I’m wondering what that was about, not sure what to make of it. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit worried. I know things are changing, we have a new CEO and executive team so it’s obvious things are going to change. In this case I think change is a good thing, but I’m wondering by how much; furthermore, is any of it going to affect me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Today I was told that I’m a bit defensive, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Not good. That’s for sure. I think I’m pondering more on the “why”; as in, why would someone consider me defensive. I find it interesting because the only other time I heard it was by someone that was acting like a total D-bag and if all he thought I was being was “defensive” then I was apparently not getting my point across.

I think I’m having trouble with this one, because I don’t consider myself to be-defensive. However, I’m also not one to stay quiet. Thus, if someone is mocking something I’m passionate about, I will say something. If someone is making a joke that is offensive to a certain group of people or even to myself, I will say something. If people say something rude or offensive but don’t want you to get mad because they put an “LOL” after it, well…then you’re just a dumb ass! That has nothing to do with me being defensive or not.

See, I’ve also considered myself to be someone that respects others opinions. I don’t want people to think like me or agree with everything I say; however, if you’re trying to get your point across by attacking me then I will react, I will defend myself.

hair2I don’t know maybe I am “defensive” could it be residue from all those years of bullying? I don’t f’n know. I’m seriously not sure how I feel about this one.

The only defense I really care about.

The only defense I really care about.

Is the fact that I’m regarding this issue this much proof that I’m defensive?

Can one be defensive at being called defensive? Or is that ‘offensive’?

I need to have a coming to Jesus talk with myself about this one.

Don’t worry folks, I’m not going to be losing any sleep over this one. I’m just curious. Update: I’m over it, what people think of me is none of my business.  If people want to call or think of me as defensive, then so be it. It is what it is. ohsnap

Here’s something a bit more interesting, my best friend Theresa wants us to try Crossfit. Yup, running, kettle bells, and whatever crazy thing they have you do. I’m not going to lie this type of workout does kind of intimidate me. Not sure if it’s because of the group setting or of how competitive it is, or both. I’ve wanted to check it out, but I think the whole running in the streets and other people watching me as I try to hold it together and look cool in front of the rest of the group, while secretly knowing that any wrong move might just cause me to vomit freaks me out a little.

No ego? Really? I doubt that.

Then there’s the competitive aspect of it, this part I’m okay with. The only thing that worries me, is my personal competitiveness might cloud my judgment. I might push myself too far and injure myself again. This is the only part that makes me worry-a lot.

As I’ve mentioned before I played sports most of my youth, I grew up with boys, I was a an honor roll student, competition was present in every single aspect of my life. I seem to turn into Hulk, see red, and just go all Beast Mode, off I go, never looking back.

Here’s an example: When I was a hardcore gym rat (Think 23-24), we are talking about 2 to 2.5 hour workouts, 7 days a week, for about two years. I would hit the gym before I went clubbing, I would actually get out early from work to make sure I would fit in my workout. Cardio and resistance training were my big things, I loved working on my upper body strength. It was awesome, I looked awesome. One evening I was working on leg curls, I heard a snap, I knew that wasn’t good (I had already had my car accident which injured my sciatic a few years prior, so I knew to be careful); however, I kept on going. Yup, I finished my rep. Shit, I finished my entire routine, I knew something was off. I could feel it, but I kept lifting. The next morning, I couldn’t for the life of me get out of bed. I was screwed. Back to physical therapy I went.

Since, I’m on a mission to get back in shape I’m going to go for it.  I’m going to try Crossfit! Did that sound convincing? I’m going Crossfit-ing? I’m going to get fit with Crossfit! ‘fiting’ and ‘crossing’ my way to fit! Does that even make sense? I think I’m already freaking out.

I'm sure mine will

I’m sure mine will

Before I do, I’m going to make my friend (or hey check this out, since you read this) Theresa, keep an eye out on me. If I ever had to for some reason, or if we were ever in a “Hunger Games” type of situation, I know I can take her down. But, when she gets all tiger mom on me, I is scared. Plus, she’s not scared to call me out on crap.

So sign me up Theresa, we are doing the Crossfits thing. Just remind me I’m not the Hulk from time to time and maybe remind me to breathe if I’m starting to look a little sick, as we are doing the fit thing with the Crossfit (sorry couldn’t help myself).

Truthfully, I am a bit nervous about it but I’m excited too. 

I will say this, if I see a girl with a “sports bra” and short-shorts, I might just lose it. I don’t suffer from skinny envy, I suffer from “wtf is that?”

I know we've all thought this at one point or another

I know we’ve all thought this at one point or another

Aren’t women scared their boob’s might pop out when stretching or reaching for the bar? I get the whole running thing, I would if I wasn’t so self conscious about my wobbly bits, but at the gym? I don’t get it, but hats off to you if you can rock it, but just to be safe, get out of my way I wouldn’t want to “accidentally” hurt you.

Good night lovers!