Getting Out Of My Own Way!

I just finished, “Super Attractor” by Gabrielle Bernstein. I’ve had it on my shelves for a couple of years. I decided to read it a couple of months back, because I was feeling a lot of doubt. I was feeling unworthy of what I was about to embark on.

I was going to do something big, it was going to set the trajectory of making one of my biggest dreams and goals come true. I was feeling more nervous than I was excited. I was feeling doubtful. I was feeling unworthy, I was hearing the voices of people that had questioned my decision, my timing, and my preparedness. They were drowning out the supportive voices, the voices of excitement, the voices that believed I could achieve this and more. However, the loudest voice was mine. What made me believe I could do this? Was I prepared enough? Was I going to achieve it simply to lose it soon after? 

I know this voice. We’ve been distant for a long time, but as with any good friendship we were able to pick up where we left off once we were reacquainted. Except, this was not a good friend, this was a paralyzing friend, this was the friend you tried very hard to avoid because you knew you were going to get sucked in and end up feeling like shit afterwards. 

Yet…After the feeling of doom is gone, after I’ve had a good cry, after I’ve been humbled to my knees in prayer-action comes. I feel light, I feel prepared, and I kick ass as I’m making shit happen getting rid of that dreadful feeling. 

I know because this happened over a decade ago, the weekend of orientation at CAL. I had the worst case of imposter syndrome ever. I didn’t belong, and it would just be a short time before they (administration) realized it too. I heard kids talking (I had just turned 30) they were discussing housing, what? I didn’t know about this…I knew I didn’t’ want to live in the dorms-but where the fuck was I actually going to live? After sitting in a very uncomfortable assembly where many administrators bashed LA-like what the actual fuck? That didn’t help at all. I went back to my hotel room, a hot mess of a person. 

This happened on a  Friday, I was there until Sunday. The next morning I woke up with a horrible migraine. It was bad, the worst I had in a while. It was the stress of it all, I was lost, I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do, I just knew I was failing at whatever I was supposed to know how to do. There was no “You’ve been accepted now what?” workshop, nobody assumed the older-first-generation students would need assistance, I guess? Or maybe we weren’t supposed to aim that high? 

My head was going to explode, I’m in a hotel room by myself, away from home. Why was I doing this to myself? Why didn’t I just pick the school closest to me, it had been my dream school at one point, but why did I want more? What made me think I deserved more? I ran into the bathroom trying to get some wet towels for my head, it was bad. I might need to go to the ER- bad. The pain was so bad it caused me to vomit. Each time I hurled, the more aggravating was the assault on my brain and my soul. What the fuck was I doing here? I was ugly crying at this point, I felt pain, I felt lost, I felt stupid. Even though one of the top Universities in the country had said I was smart enough to attend their school, I still felt stupid. 

I was exhausted, my throat was burning, my mouth was sour, my head was throbbing, and I ended up just laying on the cold bathroom floor. I didn’t think how gross it was, it just felt cool and I needed to get away from the heat, fear was radiating inside of me. I prayed, I prayed hard. The hardest I have ever prayed. I think I ended up falling asleep. I don’t remember where, I just remember “waking up”. Feeling renewed, lightheaded, hungry and determined to make shit happen. I set up shop on the room’s desk, I ordered a pizza, and started apartment hunting. I was leaving Sunday, I needed to see what I could do by then, if not I would have to come back. 

When Sunday came around, I had three stops to make before I hit the road back home. I went to the first place, it had roommates, I wasn’t sold. I was told that I would have to be okay with waking up and having people asleep in my living room ( I wasn’t okay with that), the second place I was headed to called me and needed to reschedule for later in the day. I begrudgingly said yes, later in the day meant hitting the road later and I would have to find a place to hang out, I had already checked out of my room. I called my 3rd appointment and asked him if I could see him earlier, he said yes. I showed up, and I loved the neighborhood, loved the apartment, and David was a character. He liked that I was an older student, he liked that I was “like the airforce and aiming high” with my education-whatever that meant. That was the place for me, he gave me an application. I called the other location and canceled the viewing. By Thursday of that week, I had already signed a contract and sent over a deposit for my studio apartment. I ended up staying there for over 5 years. Until I moved out to the suburbs with my son on the way. 

I kicked fear’s ass, and I knew I was going to do it again. Except this time there was more on the line. It wasn’t just going to affect me, it was going to affect my little familia. I was scared of not being worthy enough. This was a home. After I filled out the first time home buyer assistance program application, doubt kicked in. It took me a week to actually fill it out. Should I have done it sooner? Maybe? I mean it was a lottery and it was random, but what were the odds of me getting picked? What made me special? 

I had somehow convinced myself I had given up control and left it up to the Universe. It was going to happen. I was going to get selected. I just knew it, because I had given up control. That’s how it works right? Not necessarily. 

I got picked, but not really. I got put on the waitlist. I’m on the waitlist for my region. I’m in LA County, there’s no way I’m moving up. There’s a large need in my county and in my state to be honest. I had to move on to plan B. But it still hurts. Why didn’t I get picked? I had given up control? Like what the actual…? Had I convinced the Universe that I wasn’t worth it? Do I have that power? 

Yes and no. Yes, there is the law of attraction, you get what you put out into the world. Even what you don’t want, if that’s what you’re really focused on. That is what you’ll get. Then there’s also no. You gave up control, so what if it didn’t happen because something bigger and better is coming your way? What if what we thought was the most we could achieve, is actually not even the tip of the iceberg of what we could achieve? 

You know where I was last week? I was on vacation, I took my little familia on vacation. We went to Legoland for two days, we stayed in a nice 4 star hotel (I’m still paying loans and saving for a home-not ready for 5 star just yet). We chilled and enjoyed the AC. The food was a little-iffy, but the best part was watching my son have a good time. It was my son’s first time at a water park, but you know what it was also mine and my mother’s. It was big, so I sat in it for a while. I was creating memories, I was creating experiences for all of us. Experiences that my mother and I hadn’t had as a child, because well we couldn’t. There was no money for them. 

I started realizing that I was having a bit of a moment as I waited for the application process to move forward. I was spending like crazy, they were things I needed but it was still outside my norm. In case you’re new here…I’m working on my relationship with money. It’s not easy when you grew up without it, and grew up believing that “not having enough” was our norm. I think I was feeding one need, while fear was feeding my angst as I waited to hear back.

I’m a hopeless romantic, I love love. Yet, I’m scared of it. I tell myself and anyone listening that I have no time for it, that I love my independence, I’m just too tired and adding another schedule to track is just too much. Yes, all of these things are valid and true. But I also do want companionship, intimacy, and could having someone else actually lighten my load? Am I tired because I do it all alone? Am I overwhelmed because I try to do too much? Because I hold ridiculously high expectations for myself? I know that’s why I haven’t started many projects, because timing has to be right-perfect actually. It has to go exactly as I planned it in my head.

The relationship, I just pulled that layer back this morning. So, not sure how that’s going to go. I need to marinade on it a bit more. It’s a hard truth. It’s not always easy to come to the realization that I’ve been getting in my own way. I’ve used the fact that nothing has happened, that I haven’t met somebody as proof that I just do not have time for any of it and that it is not for me. When in reality what I was really getting was proof of my own resistance, of my fear, of my fear of rejection. I don’t know what it’s like to date as a mother, there’s boundaries, new fears, new red flags to look out for. It’s all just fear.

I’m struggling with my weight (damn did not realize I was going to be this vulnerable), is it my thyroid, is it me? I don’t know, but I know I don’t feel attractive, so why would anyone else find me attractive? I also know that I haven’t been able to work out for a couple of weeks now, summer schedules and vacations, so this could also be part of my mental health. Yes, I grew up believing thin was beautiful, but I’ve also started shifting that mindset to strong is beautiful. Because the first one was torture, no matter how small I got, it was not enough. I know that’s a whole Pandora’s box-but like everything else, I’m working on it.