Thought of the Day #1

Random thoughts =Ideas that I ponder on throughout the day. Sometimes they will make sense, sometimes they won’t. We all have them, so no judgement. I just want to share mine, feel free to share your thoughts.

This morning, some of the four day haze; brought on by an awful headcold that made it down to my lungs, was lifted. Spent time with my kiddo in bed as we both knew we had to get up, but didn’t want to. He (Patient Zero) was doing a lot better, I’m 80% there.

As I was getting ready to face the kitchen-the thought of my offspring feeling and looking better made my heart smile. I hate when he gets sick, I get pissed, frustrated, and worried all in one. I also eventually get sick, oftentimes, worse than he was.

As I held my chest as I coughed, I thought to myself “better me, than him any day“. I wondered if all parents go through that. If all parents like me, when there kid is coughing-hacking up a lung, as we watch and try to soothe their tiny bodies as they hunch over in pain from so much coughing. Or wipe their mouths after excessive-coughing-induced vomiting occurs, do all parents sit there, praying to whomever they believe in (in my case God) trying to strike a deal. “Make him better…cure him…I’ll take it, give it all to me.”

Then of course, they get better, we get sick, for longer because as parents we can’t really stop and take care of ourselves with kids around. Unless you have an amazing partner or support system-kuddos to you! There’s also the added layer that we are more than often running on little sleep, little to no food, and high on stress. With our bodies overwhelmed, our Souls tired, we make for a perfect feeding ground for a second-grade-recycled-bacteria to come and enjoy. (I’ll admit I also wondered if this was the reason, or if in fact our prayers were answered and it was given to us-that’s a story for another post).

I know I’m not the only one. I know that. But I do wonder if anyone else thinks about their parents when they go through this. Think of the pain that we might have unknowingly or knowingly caused our parents even after they were willing to carry the load of whatever ailment hit us. Or take the blame in order to spare our feelings about something. You know it happened because as parents, we now do it for our kids. We’ve pushed buttoms and triggers that we didn’t know our parent had, some parents probably didn’t know they had them either. We know this because our children are doing it to us. We’ve all said a remark we knew was going to burn or cut a little when we were younger, when we were upset, when we were lost, when we were overwhelmed because…enter your reason here. For many of us it was teenage angst, our “you just don’t get it” stage with our parents, when in fact they probably didn’t get it but we didn’t bother making it easy for them to “get” either.

I thought of this throughout the day today, of things I’ve said and done to my mother. Because she just didn’t get it. It makes me feel sad, because I know she probably said the same prayer that I said every single time I was sick. I was sick a lot, so she said it a lot. And I was still a little dick with her. Not realizing that that there was more to the basic needs she was providing.

During my labor, which was difficult, on my way to the OR I remember looking at my mother and apologizing. I apologized for everything I had done, I was sorry. My birth pain, made me realize how much pain she had been in to bring me into this world and I still caused more pain when I acted like a little shit.

I couldn’t help but wonder: Will my kid have the same thoughts I’m having now? Do we all go through this? Do, we all feel shitty because now as parents we get it?