My Unknowing

I don’t know it all and I’m okay with that.

I’ve been trying to write this post since May. However, here I am…attempting to do this again and hoping you understand why I couldn’t do it then. 

Yes, I’m 41 and I’m feeling myself

You see I turned 41 in May. I wanted to highlight the wisdom and lessons that I’ve been gifted with these 41 years. However, each time I tried to write, I couldn’t. It wasn’t writers block, thank the writing Gods! It was the fact that there’s still things I don’t understand and know. Things that I struggle with, which is why writing a post about my “wisdom” was pretty hypocritical when I still didn’t grasp a few things happening in the world and in my head. 

The more I would read, watch the news, witness human interactions, the more I realized there were so many things I still didn’t understand. To the dismay of my childhood bullies, I’m not a know it all.

Instead of writing my lessons, I started writing what I didn’t understand. What I wanted to know more of. I would sometimes sit in my car, savagely looking for something to write with and on, as I didn’t want to forget what I had just heard on a podcast that I quite didn’t understand and wanted to research a little more.

I even stayed up one night and wrote a list because something I had just read had triggered my thoughts on something (a few somethings) that I didn’t understand. I started getting obsessed with what I didn’t know. With what I couldn’t comprehend. I would sit there and marinade with my unknowing.

What does this mean? 

What does this say about me? 

Did my age not bring wisdom? 

What do I believe? 

How will I know what I don’t…know?  

As I said, I was marinating. I marinated a lot with this. I kept on writing. I kept composing mental notes, which half I would forget because…well…life.

Then I got it. The unknowing is the gift. The things I don’t understand are going to help me grow. I know I sound like Doc, trying to convince you that my car can time travel but hear me out. You see, once you understand something, once you’ve learned everything you could about something, you’re done. You got it. You know it. You are ready to put it into practice. Or file it away in your mental archive until trivia night. You might be on the lookout for any additional information, advances, or updates. Generally speaking, though, you have learned enough to get you out of the darkness of ignorance. 

The fun part was studying, acquiring and seeking the knowledge. In fact, that’s the journey most Sages talk about. 

The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.

B.B. King

In a way, I think that was what the Universe was trying to tell me. It was keeping me humble. I’m 41 not 101, I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned a lot along the way, been through a lot, and seen a lot. Apparently, there’s more to come. 

I consider myself a life learner, so obviously the Universe was like “41? That’s not even half your lifetime baby girl. Keep learning!” Well, message received and noted. 

In the meantime let me share what some of these things are, let’s call it an advance screening of what’s to come. Because you all know I’m going to be sharing all this with you one way or another. Either via the books I’m reading, my posts on both the gram or blog. I always like to share what I’ve learned, even if it’s the simplest of things like how orange peels help keep cats from pooping on your raised beds. You’re welcome. 

  • Racism
  • The election of 45
  • Latinx republicans
  • Clarence Thomas
  • Why one of the richest countries in the world has such a high child poverty rate? 
  • Why our prison systems are private? Whose idea was it to capitalize on prisons? Why the US leads in incarceration rates? America is the World leader in its use of  incarceration (read that again). 
  • Why Black and Brown men make up the majority of the prison population while being members of a minority population? 
  • Why people get so upset at the term “reform”? Why people get scared/angry with the term “defund” when it comes to the police but not when schools or community programs are being “defunded”? 
  • Why the Tulsa Race riots are not being taught in school? Why so many have a hard time calling it “race riot” or even an attempted genocide of a people? 
  • Why Carolyn Bryant was never charged after she declared she lied? Why the grand jury in the cold case trial failed to find her guilty? She lied under oath, her lies had great consequences. 
  • I definitely don’t understand those that deny white privilege. 
  • White accountability, it’s lack of, examples: Tulsa Race Riot and January 6, 2021. 
  • I definitely don’t understand those that voted against investigating Jan, 6th further
  • Texas. Those that run it, especially Ted Cruz and Governor Abbott. 
  • Why are we not doing something about the high number of Black and Latinx transgender murders
  • The same applies for the extremely high number of Indigenous women that have been murdered or are missing. 
  • Zionism, the Israel and Palestine conflict. Why the US is so heavily invested in Israel.
  • Our doubts were confirmed when earlier this year we heard that the FBI and the NYPD were involved in Malcolm X’s murder, so what’s next? What’s going to happen? Are we just going to leave it like that? 
  • What was it about Pope Benedict that made him scary? The Catholic church in general. 
  • What’s going to come from the discovery of all the indigenous remains that have been found in BC schools? What does accountability look like? Atonement? 
  • COVID/Vaccine apartheid
  • Venezuela not being able to purchase vaccines for its people because of US sanctions. 
  • Why are we spending so much time trying to find out how COVID got out of the lab instead of making sure everyone has access to vaccines? As well as making sure we create a global plan to ensure this never happens again. 
  • The lack of urgency when it comes to Climate change, this is the year that makes it or breaks it. 
  • Why employers require more than five years of experience when searching for a D & I position when they’ve just been “woke” for two and most of us have been living this for a lifetime? 
  • Why salaries are always based on experience, but your mission statement says you value and thrive for Equity.
  • Why Educators are so disrespected in this country.  
  • Why “body positivity” is thought of as a fat girl concept? 
  • Why Legos hurt so much?
  • My eggplant allergy. I’m a vegetarian, like why must I be so complicated?
  • My self-talk, I would never talk to anyone that way. 
  • Why am I so hard on myself but give others the benefit of the doubt, always.
  • Why I stay quiet in some situations but get extremely loud in others?
  • My father. 
  • My mother’s father. 
  • Why are pockets so hard to find in women’s clothing? 
  • Why is there such a small selection of boys clothes at stores, but an entire floor for girls? 
  • My relationship with my body and weight.

I know some of these are bigger than me. Some of these have many great minds trying to grapple with a solution, an answer, a why. Although, you might consider this a long list, there’s a lot more. I might have forgotten to list some, or decided to spare you or me (might be embarrassing), or I wrote it down and forgot about it.

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.

Albert Einstein

But there you go, I’ve been 41 for almost two months and I can declare that I don’t know it all. As a matter of fact, I still have a lot to learn and even more to unlearn. For now, I will enjoy my journey and continue seeking.

Author: monilazo

So many things to say, but not sure how to say it. We will go with the best and simplest answer, I'm one bad ass Unicorn. Yup, there's only one of me and once you get to know you'll understand why that's a good thing. I say what's on my mind and I'm not afraid to call out BS, as I am also the first to admit when I'm wrong. If you want to find out more, check out my site. There will be a little bit of everything, going through a stay tuned. Subscribe to my blog to make sure you don't miss a beat!

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