Here We Go Again…An Introduction

Extremely vulnerable post, not sure if I will publish or not. I’ve been wanting to write about my struggles with my little butterfly (thyroid), weight, and mental health for a while but I’ve always waivered. Not sure if it’s out of fear of being vulnerable, judged,  or both. So, if you’re reading this it means it means that I’m probably freaking out-not sure what to think or feel. So, please be kind and welcome to my journey. 

Quick note: It took me over a month to post this, I originally wrote this post early October and I’m posting late November. Like I said, vulnerable. 

It’s me again… I know it’s been a while, it seems like that’s my M.O., I disappear for a bit and come back when I’m in dire need of some writing. What are we going to do? Look, life has been life-ING and hard! Right when I’m coming up for air, the current comes right back and takes me under. However, I think the tide is settling and I see clear skies ahead. 

I just realized I’m using quite a bit of imagery to simply say-shit’s been heavy lately. The heaviness of it all has taken a toll on my health. That is why I’ve decided to act-I need to do something! I’m not happy here and I hate being unhappy. I’m back on thyroid meds for my hypothyroidism (slow AF thyroid), which is why I’m feeling exhausted all the time. My insomnia has been acting up, my anxiety has been creeping up-which is always a sign that my little butterfly is not happy.  I’ve been gaining weight, and honest to goodness any normal person would have probably lost weight during all of this. I’ve been traveling a lot to some pretty vegetarian unfriendly places, limited access to healthy or veggie friendly food, most days only having one meal, while stepping in the 18k’s, yet I still gained weight. WTF?!

Sidebar: I’ll use the term “butterfly” in reference to my Thyroid. Since, the thyroid is a small, butterfly-shaped gland in the front of your neck. What does the butterfly do?  Thyroid hormones control the way your body uses energy, so they affect nearly every organ in your body, even the way your heart beats. Without enough thyroid hormones, many of your body’s functions slow down.

Now each person’s butterfly reacts differently, there’s hypo and there’s hyper-as it sounds this one is overactive. I have family members that have this version, symptoms are completely different and some are more serious than mine. 

I have the slow butterfly, ironic isn’t it? Since, slowing down is the hardest thing for me. But now I’m forced to, I don’t like being so tired all the time. I don’t like my joints hurting so much, and I’m definitely not happy with my weight. Please don’t @ me for this, I believe all bodies are beautiful-but you see right now, I don’t feel beautiful in my body. 

I wish it could be different, I’ve tried convincing myself of this so many times. I fail each time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my body. Not at all, I just don’t like the way I feel right now. A lot of that has to do with not being able to be active, not getting enough sleep, not eating the right foods, just not really taking care of me. I could be big and cocky AF! Just ask 20 year old Mónica, that girl was bigger and fly as hell and nobody could convince her otherwise-nobody!

I want that again, I want that feeling again. I want to feel healthy and sexy again. I want to admire my body when I look it at my body not judge it. I want to make my body feel good from the inside out. 

I’ve always struggled with body image issues, but this is different. It feels different. Since, after I had my son-I struggled to get back into my old routine. So, I created a new one-but then when I moved back home, I struggled again. Once I’ve found my routine something comes and just messes with it, and I’m struggling again. Whether it’s someone getting sick, covid, insomnia, injuries, air quality, heat, or work demands it’s more than likely I will not be going out on my morning walk. Then it’s hard to go out once my day has started, and even harder after my work day has ended.

I was someone that used to go running before 7 am or afterwork, even in the rain-these were actually my favorite. I felt unstoppable, strong and sexy! Hikes on weekends, this was pre-baby momma status. Then afterwards it was running during my lunch once I became a momma. All things I could do, because the weather was a lot cooler and easier to just go out and do! Things have changed and so I realized I have to adapt to that change, not just give up.

Before I proceed, I need you to know and UNDERSTAND this: 

• I do not want to be skinny, I want to be healthy and strong. 
• My goal is not to be skinny, my goal is to be healthy and energized so I may run around and run after my kiddo. 
• I do not believe skinny is the only measure of beauty (90’s rhetoric), I believe I need to be healthy in order to feel beautiful.  “I” and “feel” being the keywords here.
• I’m focusing on healthy habits, not counting calories (those days are gone for me). 
• I don’t exercise to lose weight, I exercise to support my mental health and keep insomnia at bay. 
• I don’t believe food is bad, but I realize that there’s some that is bad for my health. 
• I don’t feel guilty after eating a slice of cake, but if that slice had dairy in it my stomach is feeling something more painful than guilt. 
• I do not hate my body, I love my body. I’m intune with my body, which is how I know things have to change. 

Bottom line: There’s no self hate here, just love and a desire to live a healthy life to be around for my kiddo as he grows up. 

So, now  that I got that out of the way. Let’s focus on some things I’m planning on doing. No order of importance, it’s just how I think of them. 

• Stay away from dairy. Think of it as a treat, not a must. This one is really hard because I’m Salvadorian and cheese is like a lifeline for us. So, I’m allowing myself to eat cheese when it comes to pupusas and pizza. God, wine and cheese is heaven too! I’m going to really-really try to ease up on dairy. I love it, but it doesn’t love me back. 
• Try to avoid gluten, I’ve done this before in the past when my tendonitis was acting up. It really helped. I’m not doing it because bread and all that has carbs is evil-no way! I love carbs, but again they don’t love me back. My little butterfly doesn’t like them either, which hurts because after a long night of insomnia all I want are carbs. 
• Avoid over processed and fake food. Like many other vegetarians, I’m so guilty of this. Fake meats and fake cheeses, no more. The cheese is not even all that good, the stuff I make is better-so I’ll try to make more of that. I’ve relied on fake foods more lately because it’s easier and accessible, but I need to get better with time management. Which means… 
• Work on time management, set routines, form habits. 
• Increase physical activity.
• Limit sugar intake, this is something I’ve been trying to do a lot. Spending some time with my sister, and watching her read labels to avoid sugar made me realize how much some of my “healthy” foods had added sugars in it. 
• Be accountable-to MYSELF but also be kind. This is important since for some reason, it’s the hardest one. 
• Really-really practice and create some self care routines. Whatever that might look like, facial, massage, sitting still, tv binging (don’t judge, this is the only time my mind really slows down), extra reading time, a nice dinner, vision work. 

I will later break down how I’m implementing and  why I decided on these. I might also add some new ones. For now this is a good start. Let’s see how it goes, thank you for being on this journey with me and for allowing me to share. I’m hoping to come out healthy, in body, mind, and spirit. I can’t focus on one without the other, these are all connected for me, I know I will come out on top.