Today was an interesting day. First, I must say that I had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time and it was all thanks to my Abue! Yesterday’s post was pretty hard to write, I had to take a few breaks in between lines to avoid the tears. It’s hard to write a post when your eyes are full of tears, little suckers just get in the way. However, the emotions and memories were to overpowering and I just gave in. I let myself feel the pain, loss, joy, gratitude, and everything else you can think of.
I must say that I had forgotten how good one feels after a good cry, so good in fact that I slept like a baby. I felt so rested this morning, congested, but rested. Meh, you can’t have it all.
As I drove in to work I couldn’t help but think back to some of the moments I lived with my Grandmother, it was the best drive ever. Smile from ear to ear the whole drive through, even the radio station was in line with my thoughts. Nothing but smiles for miles (I don’t live that far from work, so it wasn’t that many miles, but you know what I mean).
There was a “special” board meeting at the Foundation today. I’m wondering what that was about, not sure what to make of it. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit worried. I know things are changing, we have a new CEO and executive team so it’s obvious things are going to change. In this case I think change is a good thing, but I’m wondering by how much; furthermore, is any of it going to affect me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
Today I was told that I’m a bit defensive, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Not good. That’s for sure. I think I’m pondering more on the “why”; as in, why would someone consider me defensive. I find it interesting because the only other time I heard it was by someone that was acting like a total D-bag and if all he thought I was being was “defensive” then I was apparently not getting my point across.
I think I’m having trouble with this one, because I don’t consider myself to be-defensive. However, I’m also not one to stay quiet. Thus, if someone is mocking something I’m passionate about, I will say something. If someone is making a joke that is offensive to a certain group of people or even to myself, I will say something. If people say something rude or offensive but don’t want you to get mad because they put an “LOL” after it, well…then you’re just a dumb ass! That has nothing to do with me being defensive or not.
See, I’ve also considered myself to be someone that respects others opinions. I don’t want people to think like me or agree with everything I say; however, if you’re trying to get your point across by attacking me then I will react, I will defend myself.
I don’t know maybe I am “defensive” could it be residue from all those years of bullying? I don’t f’n know. I’m seriously not sure how I feel about this one.
Is the fact that I’m regarding this issue this much proof that I’m defensive?
Can one be defensive at being called defensive? Or is that ‘offensive’?
I need to have a coming to Jesus talk with myself about this one.
Don’t worry folks, I’m not going to be losing any sleep over this one. I’m just curious. Update: I’m over it, what people think of me is none of my business. If people want to call or think of me as defensive, then so be it. It is what it is.
Here’s something a bit more interesting, my best friend Theresa wants us to try Crossfit. Yup, running, kettle bells, and whatever crazy thing they have you do. I’m not going to lie this type of workout does kind of intimidate me. Not sure if it’s because of the group setting or of how competitive it is, or both. I’ve wanted to check it out, but I think the whole running in the streets and other people watching me as I try to hold it together and look cool in front of the rest of the group, while secretly knowing that any wrong move might just cause me to vomit freaks me out a little.
Then there’s the competitive aspect of it, this part I’m okay with. The only thing that worries me, is my personal competitiveness might cloud my judgment. I might push myself too far and injure myself again. This is the only part that makes me worry-a lot.
As I’ve mentioned before I played sports most of my youth, I grew up with boys, I was a an honor roll student, competition was present in every single aspect of my life. I seem to turn into Hulk, see red, and just go all Beast Mode, off I go, never looking back.
Here’s an example: When I was a hardcore gym rat (Think 23-24), we are talking about 2 to 2.5 hour workouts, 7 days a week, for about two years. I would hit the gym before I went clubbing, I would actually get out early from work to make sure I would fit in my workout. Cardio and resistance training were my big things, I loved working on my upper body strength. It was awesome, I looked awesome. One evening I was working on leg curls, I heard a snap, I knew that wasn’t good (I had already had my car accident which injured my sciatic a few years prior, so I knew to be careful); however, I kept on going. Yup, I finished my rep. Shit, I finished my entire routine, I knew something was off. I could feel it, but I kept lifting. The next morning, I couldn’t for the life of me get out of bed. I was screwed. Back to physical therapy I went.
Since, I’m on a mission to get back in shape I’m going to go for it. I’m going to try Crossfit! Did that sound convincing? I’m going Crossfit-ing? I’m going to get fit with Crossfit! ‘fiting’ and ‘crossing’ my way to fit! Does that even make sense? I think I’m already freaking out.
Before I do, I’m going to make my friend (or hey check this out, since you read this) Theresa, keep an eye out on me. If I ever had to for some reason, or if we were ever in a “Hunger Games” type of situation, I know I can take her down. But, when she gets all tiger mom on me, I is scared. Plus, she’s not scared to call me out on crap.
So sign me up Theresa, we are doing the Crossfits thing. Just remind me I’m not the Hulk from time to time and maybe remind me to breathe if I’m starting to look a little sick, as we are doing the fit thing with the Crossfit (sorry couldn’t help myself).
Truthfully, I am a bit nervous about it but I’m excited too.
I will say this, if I see a girl with a “sports bra” and short-shorts, I might just lose it. I don’t suffer from skinny envy, I suffer from “wtf is that?”
Aren’t women scared their boob’s might pop out when stretching or reaching for the bar? I get the whole running thing, I would if I wasn’t so self conscious about my wobbly bits, but at the gym? I don’t get it, but hats off to you if you can rock it, but just to be safe, get out of my way I wouldn’t want to “accidentally” hurt you.
Good night lovers!
One, I think the Hulk sees green.
Two, I think I have a fighting chance in a “Hunger Games” scenario. AND you’re more tiger-mom than me.
Three, I’m so excited to try Crossfit! I think we will be great at it. And we will tell them that we have had more than one “exercise” accident.
Four, I agree about the sports bra. What is it about push-up sports bra? Isn’t the point to smush down? If not, then I’ve been looking like a boy when I run for no reason.
Five, great post.
Really? Green that was just to obvious, can we just go with red. I’m sure She-Hulk would see red. I think “chance is the key word here. My dear you will never look like a boy, you too sexy!
Hi Monilove, first. I want to say that you spin a pretty damn good yarn (You write a great blog). Second, I love you to the moon. Okay, enough of the niceties…I wrote that you SEEM A LITTLE BIT DEFENSIVE. Not all the time or even most of the time. Forgive me for what my gut tells me but, I just feel like you’re (A LITTLE BIT) on guard. Waiting (A LITTLE BIT) to be offended. I once told a woman I was courting that if she were to pick out all my bad “things”, she would see a monster and if she were to focus on all of my good “things”, she would see an Angel. I guarantee that people who look for the bad in others will find it and those that look for good will find it as well. My feeling is that perhaps you’re looking for the bad in others. As I write this, I’m also thinking that “I feel that Moni is on guard because I feel that I’ve had trouble breaking through a wall with her”.Just the vibe I get despite the truth of you and I being really good friends. Also,(strictly from hindsight-which is 20/20) you wrote that “I can’t take people who say things about another woman’s reproductive system”. Of course you can and it is therefore a choice. Again writing from hindsight, I’m thinking that our mutual friend definitely wrote an offensive comment but understanding that deep down inside our friend is pretty cool and made a bad error in judgment. With that, I know that I can take a good friend aside and tell him or her that what he/she said, or wrote, or whatever, really bothered me and here’s why…By that act, one should see positive change. Okay, why am I writing this? It’s because I may someday do something to offend you and I would hope you can pull me aside and explain to me what I did and how it bothered you. I also write all this as a true friend. I don’t believe in that old saying “A friend accepts you for who you are”. The guy at the drive thru accepts you for who you are. A true friend holds you to a higher standard (a quote from Andy Andrews that I really like). So, I just write to you what I FEEL (subjective okay?) as true honesty. Remember, the one negative comment that I think you’re a little bit defensive is dwarfed by all the awesome things I think about you Moni! I can’t write those down though. It would be a book about as worded as much as War and Peace…
Please don’t see red. I like the color of your eyes. When you see red you’ll end up looking like this:
Thanks Alex, really kind words. I think you still don’t know me well enough though, I have no problem in reaching out to people when I have an issue with them. I really do believe that when people stop talking to you and don’t explain why, they are doing us a disservice. How are we to correct our behavior if we don’t know what needs correcting? So don’t trip potato chip, I will not hold back. Regarding your “on guard” comment, you are correct. I am always on guard, that has to do a lot with the environment I was raised in; however, you are incorrect with the “I’m looking for the bad in people” that’s not me at all. I always believe people to be good until they show me otherwise. I cannot be a humanitarian and believe people are bad, that would completely defeat the purpose. But in all respect, you have a right to your opinion and this is just what it is, your opinion. We all have different ways of seeing things, we might not always agree, but we should respect our differences in opinion.
Oh yeah, I was bullied to the point where I felt daily fear. I kept it to myself mostly. This was from elementary school through high school. In college, I repressed all those terrible memories until recently. Maybe it’s the “new” anti-bullying campaigns or the fact that I work with kids (at both jobs…lol!) that those memories have resurfaced. I’m handling it well.
Awesome! Not the bullying part but you handling it well part. I’m still not ready to deal with. I’ve actually politely refused some speaking engagements because they wanted me to talk about bullying. I know I’ll have to face it one day, and I have in a way, but not ready to completely dive in yet. Time will tell.
Okay, last comment. Kick arse on crossfit! I believe in you…truth.